“What up, foxes. It’s me. The Leaning Tower of Bieber. Want to scale me? Like my body is your Amazing Race and Phil is hiding in my hair and the first one to the mat gets a jet ski and a lawn gnome, or some shit? Oops, sorry, Mom. She asked me not to swear. She also asked me to stop tucking my big-boy pants into my kicks, but I’m all, ‘MOOOOM, only OLD PEOPLE wear pants that go all the way down,’ and she was all, ‘YOUR pants will go all the way down if you don’t tie them to your underwear,’ and I was all, ‘Peace out, Mommy, that’s why I have a pocket chain, it hooks to my tighties,’ and she was all, ‘You smell like Drakkar Noir,’ and I was like, ‘MOM I’M A RAPPER NOW LEAVE ME ALOOOONE,’ and so she texted Selena and told her to stay home. So I’m PROWLIN’, HONEY BABIES. You feel me? Come feel me. I got room for two in this hoodie.”
[Photo: Getty]
Comments (48):
ugh, maybe it’s because I’m 31 and thus twice the age of his demographic, but I will never understand Bieber…can he please just go away like my generation’s Vanilla Ice did? Please?
I, too, am 31 (hi, birthday buddy!), but I think I get this guy. He sings inoffensive, upbeat pop songs. He also looks like a girl, which is not a negative. ( Leonardo DiCaprio’s body finally caught up with his age eventually.) But this explains why he is so popular with young girls. He is very non-threatening and very approachable, at least seemingly. My eight-year old niece loves him and I think that’s totally normal. I mean, I loved NKOTB when I was her age for the same reasons. ( Also because “Hangin’ Tough” was so badass that I felt like a total rebel.)
All the sudden I’m feeling nostalgic for the days when Drakkar was cool and sexy. Yeah, I graduated from HS in the early 90s.
The pants/shoes combo makes it look like his legs are about a foot long.
It’s ridiculous.
I was just coming to say that it makes him look like Tim Conway’s Dorf character (when he wore shoes on his knees to make his legs look very short)!
*dies and is dead* Hilarious!
sigh.
Pleease please please please please PLEEZE stop with the hand-signals, we’re not trying to land our helicopters next to you, son.
“we’re not trying to land our helicopters next to you, son”…. HAHAHAHAHA!
Heather, thank you for this post!
“You smell like Drakkar Noir” HAHAHAHA! I had a boyfriend in highschool who wore that. One day my husband sprayed some on a tester and asked me what I thought and it was literally like being sucked back into a time warp.
I got nothing.. However, Heather, you are hilarious!!
Is he so clean he himself is squinting at his own radiance?
(I think this photo is starting to blow out my monitor.)
DRAKKAR NOIR. This destroyed me.
Well played, Heather.
Wow! I never thought anything could rival with your abilities to channel Britney Spears until now. I stand in awe of the masters!
Magnificent issues altogether, you just received a emblem new reader. What might you recommend in regards to your post that you made some days ago? Any certain?
this is the hardest i have laughed at a spam post ever in my life. any certain?
Seriously, Heather’s Beibs voice is fast becoming a new favorite of mine. Magnificent issues altogether.
Every time Biebs turns up somewhere looking like this, all I see is a lesbian
Do you actually *know* any lesbian woman?
I know tons of lesbian women and this kid looks like a lesbian. I say that with love and respect for my lesbian friends and roommate. (Also, possibly one of my cats.)
he’s got a bad case of douche face
This had me HOWLING at my desk… Thanks for the most excellent chuckle past 5 on a Monday!
Is it possible that he’s trying to make himself look shorter on PURPOSE? If he is, then Mission Accomplished! Surely the bi-lateral foot amputation was a bit much though.
Bleargh.
DRAKKAR NOIR. My son wears it. He’s seventeen. This is perfect.
It’s times like these that I consult a higher fashion authority – Cher Horowitz:
‘So okay, I don’t want to be a traitor to my generation and all but I don’t get how guys dress today. I mean, come on! It looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair – ew – and cover it up with a backwards cap and like, we’re expected to swoon? I don’t think so’
Sad that this is as relevant today as it was in 1995 :/
I don’t know. I think Biebs puts some serious effort into his dress and grooming. That’s not to say it’s not ugly, but boy works for this look.
Well, he’s out and proud, isn’t he? I mean really, he might as well be wearing a sign… saying, “I AM A TOTAL TOOL.”
Please make “What up, foxes” a regular feature.
i’ve been reading this website almost since it was a website–through at least four email addresses & two shopnames & at least one spouse & heaven knows, lots of money i no longer have–& i really miss some of the way it used to sound, you know? well, this sounds like that. many tired thanks. in the realm of posh spice as a secret marmot.
F A B U L O U S
Can Justin Bieber’s voice be like J-Lo and Brit? Pretty please with cherries on top?
This kid just looks like a poser. He almost always looks like ridiculous instead of dressing like what he is, an androgynous white boy.
Heather, Imere words are inadequate to express the breadth of my love for you. Please never stop clownin’ this pint-size clown.
why is he starting to look like a Jedward? it is because eurovision is coming and he is really excited about it?
Those crazy expensive long crotch pants are an abomination.
Guys, please!
He is just a kid! He doesn’t have to look perfect all the time, let him have some fun!
But still, this post is awesome!
My first thought: Does he have a barette in his hair? It LOOKS like there’s a barette in there..? It’s a barette, right? I need to see the top of his head, like, NOW.
Aaand… there are no other thoughts.
If you could see how well put together the kids at 1 Direction are, you really question Bieber’s…everything!
I think this is one of the funniest commentaries on an outfit/photo you ladies have ever done! HA! And I haven’t even had my coffee yet, so that is totally saying something.
I cannot POSSIBLY take serious a 17 y.o. kid WHO HAS A SWAGGER COACH. Barf.
Three things I dig the most-est: the J-Lo, Brit Brit and Bieber post-ests.
one of the funniest narratives I have ever read on here. I literally snorted coke (the soda, not the powder) at my desk.
1. the shoe/pant tuck combo is just ridiculous. he looks like a midget.
2. the peace sign hand thing is so annoying. I want to scream.
3. his smug smirk makes me want to slap him.
4. the chain thing – what? why? does he have his wallet attached?
the only pro is he stopped with the Bieber hair style. thank god for that.
He’s a girl, right? Oh, and she needs some new pants.
I KNOW RIGHT! Every picture I see him in he is looking more and more female?
I’m taken aback everytime by how short he is. He must be like 5’4″?
Bwah! “What up, foxes?” is the new “HOLA LOVERS,” we need more of this.
Biebs, you’re a little white boy from Stratford. Stop embarrassing this province.
Pinhead.