Billboard Music Awards Fug or Fab: Taylor Swift in Balmain

Balmain seems rather into the Groovy Jumpsuit business right now.

I mean, does it look BAD on her? No. But does it enchant me? No. Do I appreciate the bracelet? Yes. Do I feel like the outfit itself belongs on the gum-smacking girlfriend of a porn entrepreneur having a pool party in the ’70s for some rich backers? Bingo. I’m all for Taylor Swift stretching, and trying new things, and lord knows she’s got the twentysomething sculpted bod for this exact outfit (if not any visible feet). And every time I’m about to dismiss it outright, I glance up again and think, “Dammit, Taylor, I can’t quit you.”

And then I look at the back:

And I might be out. It’s got what LOOKS like a gigantic bra closure on the back — the likes of which I haven’t seen since the last awful strapless one I bought, which managed to be both enormous and yet STILL couldn’t stay up; my life is so much better since I quit wearing stuff that required one of those beastly bastards — and a glaring gold zipper bisecting her rear end exactly where nature does. I mean. Y’all couldn’t find an unobtrusive way of closing this thing? Not, say, a tiny white side zip that hides in plain sight? Please.

[Also, I just  finally saw her big new video — the one which appears to star every single person she knows, for which she released fake posters on social media for weeks leading up to last night. Please discuss at liberty. The song is catchy and the production is so slick, but it’s so fixated on giving a cutesy name to each of the hundred famous faces in it, that it becomes confusing what the hell the story even is. And I got hung up on how much trouble they went to just for one shot of Cindy Crawford and like three of Lena Dunham, for example. I did think it was random that Mariska Hargitay and Ellen Pompeo are in it, until I remembered Taylor named her cats after their TV alter agos, and then I laughed and decided they must be all right.]

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[Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty]