The three brunettes that are ruling teen TV these days all wore very similar outfits to the VMAs. Since I spent years being unable to tell Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato apart, throwing one more in the mix — one who has been mistaken for The Vampire Diaries‘ Nina Dobrev in print, no less, just to add to the confusion — it seems like the least someone could’ve done is tossed some paint onto their dresses so we could refer to them by color.
Let’s start with the Dobrev clone, Victoria Justice.
Pretty girl in a shiny, tiny dress. Par for the course. She’s eighteen, but she looks twenty-six. Let’s hope that math doesn’t still work when she’s twenty-six, or else she’ll be super bummed out that she’s being prematurely boxed out of the coveted 18-34 demographic. Anyway, the dress is maybe a little too much sparkle for me, like a Christmas tree in the home of a stripper who is allergic to green.
Next up: Demi Lovato.
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Is Candy Crush what I play when I can't sleep, or is playing Candy Crush the REASON I can't sleep? -H
Who Fugged It More: Holly Valance vs Abi Clancy
The thing is, I am pretty sure I have a guess at who will win this one, but then again, Fug Nation can be full of surprises. So let’s get started on what Iron Chef would call “Battle Panty.”
First up: Australian singer and former Neighbors actress Holly Valance (who also appeared briefly on Prison Break as a Russian cohort of Wentworth Miller’s, if you were a fan of that show, which I sort of was, then wasn’t, then maybe was again, and then ultimately really was not).
If this dress really were Venetian blinds, as its fervent dream seems to be, then they’d be the light-diffusing kind — the one where putting them down doesn’t REALLY block out everything, but it gives you the IMPRESSION that it does so that you can go about your business making omelets without pants on, or whatever, and not be self-conscious about your hobby. Except I think in this case, a little self-consciousness might’ve been in order, because now I am intimately aware that her chest has been turned into a Denny’s short-stack. If I could add the visible belly-button into the breakfast metaphor, I would, but other than the awful “her coffee cup needs refilling” I couldn’t conjure one that made even a shred of sense. In sum: Check, please.
But can it beat this?
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