Fugger: Britney Spears

Oscars Fug and Fabs: Basic Black

Feb 27, 2013 By Jessica AT 1:30 pm
Britney Spears
Chad Michael MurrayAnna PaquinRose McGowanAmber Heard
17 photos in gallery

Wow, a LOT of people wore black to these parties.  Some of their efforts were more successful than others.

[Photos: Getty]

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Letter of Truth: WHEN IS THIS THING OVER

Dec 21, 2012 By Jessica AT 11:00 am
Fox's "The X Factor" Season Finale - Night 1
Fox's "The X Factor" Season Finale - Night 2'The X Factor' finale, Los AngelesCelebrities arrive at 'The X Factor' finale, Los Angeles
4 photos in gallery

Y’all. I have been on this show for like my entire life. Wasn’t the world supposed to end last night? Because I was thinking about that while I was in my makeup trailer and I decided that I would miss my deep fryer but I really will not miss having to come to work every single day and take a shower every single day and have my face done and talk in sentences and be nice to some people and all that EVERY SINGLE DAY and it turns out I am not even on THE X-FILES THIS IS SOME TOTALLY OTHER SHOW. There aren’t even any aliens on this show which means that I am really confused about Kourtney Kardashian.

[Photos: Getty, Splash]

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LETTER OF TRUTH: X-FILES Y’ALL

Dec 18, 2012 By Jessica AT 9:00 am
'The X Factor semifinals
X-Factor Semi-FinalsX-Factor Week Whatever Leave Me AloneI DON'T KNOW.My new video, 'Scream and Shout'
8 photos in gallery

Hey y’all WHY DO I KEEP DOING THESE FACES TO MY FACE? I don’t know. What if it freezes in one of these and then People magazine will do a cover story and call it BRITNEY SPEARS FROZEN FACE TRAGEDY and People en Espanol will call it BRITNEY SPEARS TRAGEDIA CARE CONGELADA and it will be so embarrassing. (I am learning Spanish in my dressing room because telenovelas are so interesting but I can’t always tell who wants to push who down what.)

[Photos: Getty and Splash, y'all]

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Letter of Truth, Part NOVEL

Nov 7, 2012 By Jessica AT 1:00 pm

Hey y’aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall!

Are any of y’all even watching X-Files? I am not. I have to sit there alllllll day and people are just singing singing singing and it is boooooooring. The only thing even keeping me awake is that Kanye West might show up to visit Kim and a duet might break out and that would be really good for my career. You guys, think about it: what if Kanye West shows up at my job one night and looks at me and falls in love and we run off together? Life and Style would finally start returning my calls. ANYHOOZLE, I’m sure you’re wondering why I look so serious and somber and why I’m wearing a dress made of the remnants of Contempto Casual’s 1997 Holiday Collection and it is because I AM TO BE AN AUTHOR and authors always wear black because that’s how you know they’re having serious thoughts about adjectives and stuff. I decided I am going to call the book Lucky because it’s the story of a girl named Lucky (Lucky is me) and obviously she cries cries cries etc. I still need to figure out all the stuff in the middle that happens but obviously obviously at the end she either marries or murders “Jason,” this horrible horrible person with ridiculous hair who sings in a dumb band with a bunch of other dumb guys, except for Lance, who is totally nice and who ALSO didn’t get invited to Justin’s wedding and we decided yesterday we might be burn down his house. I mean, in the book we might burn down his house. Jason’s house. I have to go now.

LOVE,

BRITNEY!

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Letter of Truth: WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING WITH MY AD

Oct 11, 2012 By Jessica AT 11:00 am

Hey y’all,

Y’all. You KNOW I am really busy with the X-Files when you see the ad for my new perfume which is a mix of my two other perfumes or my perfume and someone else’s perfume or…okay, listen, I don’t really know what I’m selling. BUT LOOK AT IT. I would like to testify that I had nothing nothing nothing to do with anything that had anything to do with this:

Who wants to buy a perfume that turns your hair brown and makes you all impervious to gravity OR one that MAKES FEATHERS COME OUT OF YOUR ARMPITS?? That seems like a TERRIBLE THING TO HAPPEN. Y’all, I know everyone on my “team” thinks I’m secretly kinda dumb but even I know that no one wants to buy something that turns you into a bird.

Everyone’s fired. Seriously, all y’all. Fired. GET OUT.

Love,

BRITNEY.

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X-Factor Letter of Truth, Part I DON’T KNOW LEAVE ME ALONE.

Oct 1, 2012 By Jessica AT 8:00 am
Sometimes I Run, Sometimes I Hide....
Sometimes I Think About My CleavageSometimes I Worry About My ShoesSometimes I Take NotesSometimes I Yikes
34 photos in gallery

Y’all, X-Files is on like 45 hours a week. I am at this set listening to these people caterwobble right in my face for, like, ever and I am seriously so tired, y’all, which is why it took me like a really, REALLY really really really really long time to give you an update on what it’s like for me to be The Blonde Paula Abdul which is what Simon wrote on my mirror in lipstick. Which is pretty unfair because I am not as long-winded as that crackpot is and also because I am taller. ANYWAY, I know y’all have already seen all my outfits for these ENDLESS ENDLESS auditions so I thought we could talk about my favorite thing in the world: my face.

 

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