Okay, now I’m just confused:
Is that a….dress? A top? A nightgown? A Project Runway challenge reject? A re-purposed shawl? The cloth that used to be draped over her bedside table before she realized that it’s impossible to dust a cloth, and also she looked like she was living in Cost Plus World Market? Part of the Winona Ryder Memorial Exhibit at the local Costumery/90s Nostalgia Fest? Something that fell off the back of the Time-Traveling Bus going to Lilith Faire? WHAT????
Oh dear God, Cosmo. “What Your Va-Jay-Jay Is Dying To Tell You”? I suspect it might be, “stop writing headlines implying I could die. Also, stop putting the word ‘va-jay-jay’ on the covers of magazines because it makes me imagine the conversation the magazine staff had about whether or not it took hyphens, and that’s the most ridiculous conversation ever, second perhaps to the one Jessica once had when she still worked in TV wherein it was debated whether ‘[BLEEP]hole’ was funnier than ‘ass[BLEEP]‘.” (For the record, we went with “ass[BLEEP]” for purposes of clarity. A BLEEPhole could be anything!) I also suspect my va-jay-jay would like me to use its full name, or at least a new nickname — like, say, “Esther”! Think of all the puns you could use playing off the ORPHAN tagline, “There’s Something Wrong With Esther,” Cosmo! Perfect for next month’s Yeast Infection Spectacular! Or “Amanda Woodward,” because your vagina is the boss, and suffers no fools. Or “Va-Jay-Z,” in case your vagina is awesome and is making an album with Kanye and likes to hang out on yachts with Beyonce. I mean, the possibilities are endless. Let’s be more creative, people.
Ahem. Va-jay-jays aside: Dianna Agron. So pretty. It’s a shame Cosmo felt the need to make her (perhaps not totally well-thought-out) haircut look like the wig Ben Stiller wears in Tropic Thunder when he’s playing Simple Jack, and that they somehow decided it would be SEXIER if her right arm looked like someone put it through a laundry press and then stuck it back on her body. MAYBE her Va-Jay-Jay is dying to tell her, “GO SEE A DOCTOR ABOUT YOUR FREAKY MUTANT ARM!” You never know.
@jesswithahat We cover it every year! -H
Fug or Fab the Cover: Dianna Agron
I suppose I can’t quibble too much with how unlike herself Dianna looks, since the cover basically says this issue is an homage to the sixties.
It is still sort of strange to pick a cover subject and then render them unrecognizable to anyone taking a passing glance at the newsstand, but at least ’60s-Dianna looks like Twiggy, which would probably work to make most people do a double-take and then be like, “Oh, it’s the girl from Glee,” and then somehow during that person’s 20-minute internal monologue about whether any of the changes they make to Glee each season ever actually improve it, that person may find that he or she has — in a fugue state — purchased the issue (or shoplifted it, I suppose, but we don’t condone thievery unless it’s of our hearts, ahem, Pacey). The outfit too seems like an appropriately 2011 spin on the ’60s — which is to say, the ’60s by way of the ’80s and the Ice Capades. And finally, I have to give props to Nylon for “Makeup to wake up in,” because even though none of us are supposed to go to bed with full face on, I think we can all admit we’ve done that more than thrice, and possibly always. So at least they’re catering to what a girl really needs, which is almost always “six glasses of water and a coma,” rather than “ten minutes in front of the bathroom mirror taking a blurry swipe at her makeup with some Ponds.”
So in sum: I didn’t think I liked this at first, but now I’m wondering if it’s actually thematically effective. As a random cover? Crazy. As the cover of their I Love The ’60s issue? Maybe actually kind of okay.
And the only thing that could logically follow that kind of a milquetoast endorsement is a poll.
react: