Fugger: Eva Longoria

Eva Fuggoria

May 14, 2013 By Heather AT 11:00 am
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So, yesterday, I almost ascribed Eva Longoria’s peekaboo outfit to some pre-Cannes crazy, until I remembered she does that a lot. But maybe I spoke too soon.

CLEARLY, the poor girl has Cannes Fever. I hear the prescription for that is more cowbell, but I’m not sure how that would look with her fancy shower curtain. Maybe she could hang it from the hem that’s scraping her crotch, like some kind of modesty chime.

[Photo: WENN]

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Fuga Longoria

May 13, 2013 By Heather AT 1:00 pm
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This whole thing is terrible.

And I was going to blame it on the nighness of Cannes (also, The Nighness of Cannes sounds like a really awful book), which is always replete with wacky clothes. But then I realized Eva’s entire Fug Madness candidacy this year was based on her making very questionable choices with both black and the sheers, so essentially, I guess this is just Eva Longoria following her instincts. I would expound on depressing that is, but while typing, I saw the commercial for Old Navy that features Boys II Men bastardizing “I’ll Make Love To You” to be about white jeans and I think it blew a fuse in my brain.

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

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Golden Globes Fug Carpet: The Black Lace Brigade

Jan 14, 2013 By Heather AT 3:00 pm
Eva Longoria
Rachel WeiszGiuliana RancicEmma RobertsLouise Roe
8 photos in gallery

This is actually not just lace, but also transparencies; sadly that wasn’t as kicky-sounding. Also: The Widow Longoria is BACK. And she’s PROWLING.

[Photos: Getty]

 

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Critics’ Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Eva Longoria

Jan 11, 2013 By Heather AT 12:30 pm

As we have learned from almost a decade of Desperate Housewives, Eva Longoria has an awesome body. Yet you’d never know it in this.

But worse, this dress is somewhat startling to me. That decoration there… you guys may think this is insane, but to me it’s faintly anatomical. It’s evocative of… well, a ladyplace. It’s high fashion labial folds. It’s a sartorial pap smear. She is a growling, crazy-eyed walking vagina right now, and that is really not a sentence I ever expected to type except maybe as part of a review of some new Guillermo Del Toro movie called Pan’s Labiarinth.

[Photo: Getty]

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Eva Fuggoria

Oct 15, 2012 By Heather AT 2:00 pm

I remember once reading an article about Eva Longoria and Tony Parker wherein she implied the two of them had a pretty close relationship with Spurs coach Gregg Popovich. Now that she’s dating Mark Sanchez, I enjoy imagining that she Skypes with him to discuss her day and her outfits, and Jets coach Rex Ryan ducks in and says, “Eva, we need Mark to focus on throwing the ball more than 100 yards per game. Wear the white one, have a nice night, and now let’s all hang up and go get a goddamn snack.”

It would be bad fashion advice, of course: This dress looks stale and moth-eaten, like a molting dead swan melted into a role of Brawny paper towels and then found its way onto a Project Runway work table. But, the part about going to get a snack would be good, so… she’d break even on that chat.

[Photo: Getty]

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ALMA Awards Fugs and Fabs: Eva Longoria

Sep 17, 2012 By Heather AT 12:00 pm
Eva Longoria
Eva LongoriaEva LongoriaEva LongoriaEva Longoria
9 photos in gallery

Apparently Eva Longoria is dating Mark Sanchez of the New York Jets. The Jets lost on Sunday in sad fashion — words you could twist to apply to Ms. Eva as well, at times.

[Photos: Getty]

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