Fugger: Jennifer Lopez

Fug the Show: American Idol, Hollywood Week Shenanigans

Feb 22, 2012 By Heather AT 9:00 am
25
Los Tres Amigos, minus two amigos, maybe plus one again
Mas yo!Girl I SavedGirl I Saved Moments Before I Saved HerYo and two other people
17 photos in gallery

“HOLA LOVERS. This telenovela about me just got so muy interesante! Before there was dumb singing, and clowns to the left of me and jokers to the right! Now there is collapsing and sweating and vomiting, and clowns to the left of me and jokers to the right! My part is Angel of Life. No, es verdad, I save a girl’s life just by standing next to her.  I would not lie to you about my powers, lovers. Lying is for vampires and Assflecks. Lopez is for TRUTH.”

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Fug the Show: American Idol, auditions 6 and 7

Feb 7, 2012 By Heather AT 9:00 am
19
Yo!
HOLA ABUELAListen to meDRAMA!Better AND WORSE
14 photos in gallery

“HOLA, lovers. Remember me? The beautiful one who rocked your world last year with whatever that song was about being on the floor? What was that called… Ay,I have no memory! YOU try sitting next to Mold Spice every day. You too will smell your way to tonto town! Anyway, amigos, apparently now EVERYONE has a new song out, ahem, MADONNA, and now EVERYONE thinks we want to look at them singing it, ahem, MADONNA. The jealousy would make me muy alegre if it was not distracting people from my shorts. So RUDE.”

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Fug the Show: American Idol, Auditions 4 and 5

Jan 31, 2012 By Heather AT 9:00 am
HOLA ASPEN
HOLA AGAINHmmThreatsAhhh
8 photos in gallery

“HOLA, LOVERS! Let me tell you a tiny secret, amores: This job is BORING. I do not want to hear eighty five eleventy thousand people sounding like Toni Braxton in a mousetrap! This is why I try to bring the fabulous, lovers. Because I want to scare them. I want to scare them into going home and letting me live mi vida without one more person saying, ‘Ay, Jennifer, you are my inspiration, you are why I am so excelente,’ and then making a Kelly Clarkson song sound like Ben Whatballs eating pancakes. I would rather drink a Dirty MarTylerHAHAHAHHAHA I kid you, lovers. I am so funny. Can I be the Most Beautiful and Hilaaaarious Woman this year?”

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Fug the Show: American Idol, auditions 1, 2, and 3

Jan 24, 2012 By Heather AT 9:00 am
GUESS WHO???
EL COCHEEEEEEEEEEKMAS COCHE!RANDY NO
17 photos in gallery

“HOLA LOVERS! I am BACK! Strap in for five months of brave, beautiful yo as I bravely, beautifully find somebody who will be very famous for about thirty seconds, but make ME very famous for a long time because of how nice and loving I am to people who are not as beautiful as yo! America needs a hero, lovers. America needs ME.”

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AMA Fug: Jennifer Lopez

Nov 21, 2011 By Heather AT 11:00 am
FABULOSO
YOYOOOOOTU AMORJennifer Awesomepez!!!
8 photos in gallery

“Hola, lovers! So, I have been thinking —  just like always when I am flying around thigh shrubberies. You should try it. So peaceful! Ay, it is like sailing, but without agua or servants! It is like skiing, but without those planky things on your feet! It is like LOVERING, but without teeth and Oxy Clean! But do you want to know what I am thinking about? Si, of course you do, my thoughts are the ice cubes in your whiskey. Aqui lo tiene, lovers: I am making a WISH LIST. Which is like a shopping list, but without vegetables. But still meat. So much meat.”

[Photos: Getty]

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Well Played, Jennifer Lopez

Nov 8, 2011 By Heather AT 11:00 am

“HOLA… sniffle… LOVERS.”

“Tonight I am a Glamour magazine World’s Most Beautiful All-Star Something-Something, and lovers, nobody deserves it mas que yo. Do you know how hard it is to be a star these days, lovers? Do you know how hard I have worked? I put myself in strange pants. I wore a scarf as a dress one time. I dated Ben Plugfleck and married a vampire! I have overcome obstacles you do not even dream of, lovers, like sitting next to Hairosmith twice a week on television.  There are hair curtains and burning wax OOPS I MEAN SHAVING SO MUCH SHAVING HAHAHA (shh, do not tell, but I am lying, lovers — you think I would wear my leg as an accessory without having a lady with man-hands make my follicles crispy and empty? CLARO QUE NO) and shoes, so many expensive shoes, ay, there is no greater human suffering than when your arches go boom and your fangy esposo has to drink the swelling out of your veins while making you watch Twilight. And I just need to thank the big muchacho upstairs for believing in me. You are the best, Second Security Guard From The Left In My Wardrobe Wing! You are the only person in my house who looked at this dress and said, “Dude, I would go to the zoo TWICE to see that bird,” and that is when I gave you a raise and made you Third Security Guard From The Left In My Entourage. Gracias, big man. Now, where is my very large check, made out to Lady Fabuloso? Where is the award? Is it a statue? Does it look like me? Is it my face?

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