Fugger: Jennifer Lopez

“HOLA, LOVERS.”

“It is true, lovers. No tengo regrets. Ay, si, you could put this cover in a pipe and smoke it and get a crack high (do not, lovers; drugs are like Marc: sinister and they smell weird and posiblemente out to get in your veins and kill you). But es BUENO that my hair looks like refried Betsey Johnson! Es excelente that I look like I got stuck trying to do the splits! Es fabuloso that I look like I am screaming in pain because have YOU ever tried to do a split, lovers, and then HELD IT THERE while your Lopez felt like it was cracking? And I am tan alegre, lovers, that they put a picture of Adele kissing a trophy I have never won while I am crawling around on the floor maybe planning to pounce on you like a jungle cat, and Britney is there saying, “Oh heyyyy, you all, I am not nutso anymore, love me Justin.” Por que? Two reasons, lovers. Uno: I have to make it FAIR. For reasons that are maybe a little bit full of lies but whatever, People cannot pick the same Most Beautiful Person every year. Nobody in el mundo will believe that I am not still and forever the most beautiful person who ever straddled the floor, so I have to help out the people at People by looking less beautiful all the time, and then also when they pick me again in two years people will be like, “Ay, yes, and she has put those weird fangs away!” And second, lovers, I won American Idol week. Mariah who? Nicki Minwhat? ME. So do not feel sad for me, lovers, and do not feel sad for the person on my team who got fired for this or for the people at People who I tried to get fired before I understood that this was my destiny. I sent a ham.”