Fugger: Jennifer Love Hewitt

Well Played, Jennifer Love Hewitt

May 15, 2012 By Heather AT 1:00 pm
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Look, ma, no bandages:

Is it perfect? No. There is absolutely no reason for the nylons in this scenario, and the dress is creasing in weird spots. But I think it’s so much more eye-catching than what she usually wears. It’s not that Jennifer doesn’t have the body for a bandage dress; she does. She’s got a great figure. But oftentimes, great figures are done a disservice when you’re aching so hard for people to look at them. Here, she’s relaxing a little, and it’s a striking, flattering change. We can still see the hourglass; we just aren’t looking at every grain of sand passing through it.

[Photo: Getty]

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Fug the Rut, again: J.Lo.Hew

Apr 6, 2012 By Heather AT 8:00 am

Have you ever had to contemplate being a Get-A-Grip friend? Like, telling your beloved bestie that her favorite pair of jeans, the ones that bring her so much joy and that she thinks are lucky and make her ass look so good, actually do the opposite? That’s kind of how I feel about Jennifer Love Hewitt here.

She seems nice. We’ve said that before. We just think she needs girlfriends. Real ones, who would’ve told her not to write that dating advice book from a few years ago, for instance. Or who would finally sit her down and say, “Bandage dresses. I do not think they do what you think they do.” Hewitt’s got a great figure. She comes off very charming whenever she’s on the late-night shows. She’s aging very well. She can be self-deprecating. And she has bad luck with boys. I just want her to pull it together and be happy. But she keeps stuffing herself into these things that juggle her assets in a really, really unfortunate way — like she has fallen prey to the old thinking that if it zips, and your stomach looks flat in it, then it fits and is awesome and you should by ten in every color.  When in fact this is just awkward and bumbling for me. Honey, you are fit. We see it. We believe you. Now do that fitness some proper favors.

[Photo: Getty]

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Fug or Fab the Tights: J.Lo.Hew

Dec 8, 2011 By Heather AT 12:00 pm

The dress, here, is kind of beside the point — it would probably be fine, were it not for her bra’s extreme enthusiasm in the face of flashbulbs.

It’s the tights I want to discuss. Kate Middleton’s shiny opaque leg dressings made the world wonder if nude hose would come back in, and I have to say, my personal vote is that I sincerely hope not. They give JLH’s legs a disturbingly Miss Piggy-esque sheen. Muppets are great, and all, but I don’t want to look like one.

What say you?

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[Photo: Splash News]

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Fug the Rut: Jennifer Love Hewitt

Nov 4, 2011 By Heather AT 10:00 am

Another day, another bandage dress.

The thing is, I don’t have a problem with bandage dresses. The Herve Leger brand fashion shows are often kind of fun, because it’s interesting to see the different ways the concept is interpreted. But Jennifer Love Hewitt rarely does anything but wear a very basic-cut monochrome or two-tone bandage dress. To everything. She has not met a bandage dress she did not Kind Touch into red carpet infamy. It’s an addiction. She’s a Legeraholic. We rarely feature her anymore because what is there to say? Brand loyalty is lovely and all, but hell, even Renee Zellweger occasionally picks Carolina Herreras that are different-looking (or, gasp, wears another designer altogether).

Can you fix her? And I don’t mean changing the hem or the color. What would you like to see her in? Whose style should she use as a template to branch out from her high-fashion mummification? What designer should be her new go-to? Do J.Lo.Hew a solid here. She needs you, Fug Nation. Because right now her personal client list only has one name on it. HA HA. Get it? See what I did there?  Client List? Oh, man, why do I always turn into (more of) a hack on Fridays? Is it even Friday? I think this is all because I made it through almost all of Wednesday thinking it was Thursday, and once the eggs were scrambled, there was no getting ‘em back into the shell. And sadly no hash browns.

[Photo: Getty]

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The Fugent List

Aug 24, 2011 By Heather AT 11:00 am

So, we’ve all heard by now — it was the giggle heard ’round the world — that J.Lo.Hew’s masterpiece of Kind Touchery, The Client List, is being made into a TV series. I have questions. How exactly is that going to work? Because in the movie (and I’m sure even if you haven’t seen it, this is not so much a spoiler as a mild WTF moment), it has a rosy ending wherein she gives up all the names of her clients in exchange for a reduced prison term for hooking, and then all the neighborhood wives ask her to give them sex tips through the use of fruit. BULL TRUE. So what is the series? Pretending none of that happened, and she’s still hooking? Pretending all of that DID happen, and the whole show is her giving booty seminars to harried housewives? Or pretending that all of that did happen and yet she still goes BACK to hooking, because the economy still blows harder than she does and also she actually totally liked it, and now there is demand that must be met with supply? What, is she an economist now? A Kind-Touching capitalist prostisseuse?

And is this the phase where she starts going Method? Because nothing screams “My touch is kind” like an animal-print genie jumpsuit. Or at least, I assume that’s what it is screaming. To be honest, and I am proud of this, I don’t speak Animal-Print Genie Jumpsuit all that fluently — just maybe some conversational slang at best.

[Photo: Pacific Coast News]

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The Client Fug

Aug 19, 2011 By Heather AT 12:00 pm

If only she Kind Touched her shirt as thoroughly as she did her client list.

[Photo: Pacific Coast News]

 

 

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