Fugger: Jessica Biel

I’m not even kidding when I tell you that I am SURE Bea Arthur wore this on a New Year’s Eve episode of The Golden Girls once.

I wish Bea could teleport through time and across dimensions into this New Year’s Eve, where I feel like she would be giving her fellow actors stern, sassy Get-A-Grip speeches. She could tell Biel to sack up and dump JT for good (and stop dressing like her lost roommate) (and never do another ensemble Gary Marshall movie). She could tell SJP that surely her SatC residuals are enough to keep her from having to make this movie. She could tell Katherine Heigl to do something about her hair, and get a new PR team that doesn’t include her momager. She could congratulate Abigail Breslin for seemingly being a charming and talented young lady, and congratulate Ludacris for being really cute and charismatic. She could tell Halle Berry that she deserves better than a movie which devotes almost no time to her in the trailer, while devoting MUCHO time to Ashton Kutcher. She could slap Ashton Kutcher and say nothing to him. She could tell Lea Michele that under no circumstances will it improve her career to hook up with Ashton Kutcher. She could ask Jon Bon Jovi to indulge her in a stanza of “Livin On A Prayer.” She could tell Josh Duhamel that she cried when Leo Du Pres died on AMC, and then they could be sad together about the demise of the soap opera. She could high five Zefron for getting to hang out with Michelle Pfeiffer all the time, and she could ask Michelle Pfeiffer how it’s possible that we all totally forgot she was still married to David E. Kelley, and, also, what was it like to make out with John Malkovich –weird? Sort of hot? Sort of hot and weird? She could tell Hector Elizondo to take a vacation. She could tell Seth Meyers that between this and I Don’t Know How She Does It, maybe his nose for movie scripts could use a little help, but at least he’s cute as a button. She could tell Sofia Vergara that she’s jealous of her cleavage, and congratulate Til Schweiger for perhaps being the only person in the cast who made a smart choice in making this movie.  She could tell Hilary Swank that giving a glowing toast at the birthday party for a major human rights violator was perhaps not her brightest move and that at the very least she should learn to Google more effectively. She could ask Robert De Niro WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING DECIDING TO MAKE THIS MOVIE AND MEET THE FOCKERS: MORE FOCKERS: THE FOCKERS NEVER END BECAUSE HE’S ROBERT FREAKING DE NIRO MY GOD HAVE SOME DIGNITY. And then she could sweep out in a flurry of caftan leaving us all wiser, better people. I wish that would happen.

[Photo: Getty