OH GIRL. You have a seventy-billion dollar fashion empire. Did NO ONE ever tell you that if you’re wearing something roomy on the bottom, to wear something fitted on top, and vice-versa? THAT’S LIKE REMEDIAL FASHION 101. Are you TRYING to get summer school?
Fugger: Jessica Simpson
Fug the Ad: Jessica Simpson
I guess I FANCY YOU must be the Daytime Slacks version of J Simp’s other perfume, FANCY NIGHTS. And her other, other perfume, FANCY LOVE. Seriously, at this point, I legitimately think she is just working up to being allowed to sell something called FANCY: I LOVE THAT REBA MCENTIRE SONG FANCY: I CAN’T CLOSE MY MOUTH: NOT WITHOUT MY OXYGEN. Sure, it sounds like a Lifetime movie, but you can’t tell me that FANCY NIGHTS does not.
Fug file: Fugs, Fug the Ad, Jessica Simpson
Us Weekly’s Hot Fuglywood Party
14 photos in gallerySo apparently, as the world girded its loins for — and then eventually spent five hours or so watching — the royal wedding, it seems life did not screech to a halt for everyone. In fact, Us Weekly threw a party. I know, I know, it feels like every week they throw some kind of You Are Young (By Which We Mean 12 to 56 Years Old) So Put On Some Party Pants And Get Funky shindig. And maybe that’s why we missed this one entirely. Like, COMPLETELY missed it. What were we doing? Oh, wait: Making slideshows about Princes William and Harry. And then covering the Met Ball. But still. I stumbled on the pictures totally by accident on Thursday night and thought maybe I had been taking crazy pills. Far be it from me to DENY you these, though, especially with such luminaries as Jessica Simpson and Hayden Pantywaist and Jessica Szohr involved. On the latter front, can I just applaud La Szohr for her ingenuity? Every time I think that her hair could not possibly get any worse, she goes and proves me wrong. That takes thought.
Fug the Cover: Jessica Simpson
Sigh.
I give up. It’s fine. Just run around in outfits that are too small for you all you want. Let major magazines snap pictures of you using the directive, “pretend you’re six, and you just finished an awesome floor routine at Little Sassy’s Gymnastic Academy and Juice Bar.” Never close your mouth, ever, if that’s how you feel — seriously, take your wedding photos with your mouth hanging open. At least we all know you’re getting oxygen to your brain. Do whatever you want. I mean it. Your company is on track to make a billion dollars this year. YES YOU READ THAT RIGHT THAT WAS NOT A TYPO ONE BILLION DOLLARS. So — now as ever — I CLEARLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM EVEN TALKING ABOUT.
Fug file: Fug The Cover, Jessica Simpson
@VladaGelman How is Top of the Rock? - J
Fug or Fab the Cover: Jessica Simpson
Let me guess: HOW GAINING WEIGHT MADE HER HAPPIER does not include the actual REASON Jessica Simpson has gained a ton of weight lately, namely, that she is GESTATING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. Which surely has made her happier, and is a very good reason to BE happy, but was certainly totally unmentioned in this interview. That always seems so very awkward for a magazine — and maybe, therefore, it’s a good rule of thumb to not run a cover line like, “how gaining weight made her happier” when you know that, based on photos and rumors from at least the last several months, THE HER in question might be cooking a bun in ye old oven. At least so as to avoid people rolling their eyes when they see the cover line.
THAT BEING SAID: I actually think J. Simp looks really pretty here. Yes, her hair — to filch a line from Heather — looks as though it’s been dropped on her head from above. That is one big-ass wig. But her makeup is pretty and natural and she looks NORMAL, rather than like a girl with a stuffed-up nose who just got hit on the back of the head with a brick, which is how she often looks in photos. With that, I can find no fault.
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