Well, y’all did it again: All we wanted was a quiet Sunday night with a total of five funny entries, but nooooooooo, you guys had to go and ALL be funny and clever and snarktacular. THANKS A LOT. But we have a prize to give away this week — five copies of NYT bestselling author Megan McCafferty’s brilliant new book Bumped –and so we did in fact have to whittle down our list of favorite-favorites.
So, congratulations to each of these finalists, who all get a copy of Bumped as long as they provide us with their addresses (via our e-mail address, fuggingitup[at]gmail[dot]com) for shipping purposes. And not stalking purposes. We promise.
AND WITHOUT FURTHER YADA-YADA:
1) NATALIE S., “Taylor Momsen”
This, I may have seen here before.
Although I can’t recall who wore it.
Yep, definitely someone from the fug archives.
Legsly, first name Boobs, maybe?
Or The Widow Longoria?
Rather not, I fear.
Much too ostentatious for those two.
Okay, I think if altered slightly,
Maybe remove the coat and add some
Stripper heels, also include lots of
Extensions and raccoon eyes…
Nope, can’t put my finger on it.
2) THOMAS, “Double Ds”
Daily I’ll strive to keep pushing them higher,
Onward and up, to my chin they aspire
Undaunted by attention to my one buckled thigh
Be buoyant, my girls, and hold yourself high!
Let go gentlemen, I think I’ll walk fine,
Eyes must behold my pleathered vagine!
Decked out in my feathers, I couldn’t be prouder,
Singing is loud, but fug is much louder.
3) CORRINER, “Devil’s Twins”
Dear JEBUS! I exclaimed over my morning cereal,
Egads! I screeched while spilling coffee on my lap,
Verily, Xtina has eaten the Wonder Twins!
I can’t lie, they’re like a car accident,
Legitimately I can’t look away.
Shame spiral… for her and for me.
Time to talk, Xtina,
We need to sit you down and TRUTH TOUCH
In no way is it ok for you to be wearing
Next-to-nothing when you’re bosom buddies are
STARING ME DOWN like Satan’s bounty.
4) CHRIS, “Dirrty”
Dearest Xtina, I fear that your gown
Is molting all over Los Angeles Town
Really, after the tragedy that was Burlesque
Returning to that type of style was grotesque
The only condolence I think you can glean:
You can always double as your own drag queen
5) ROBERT P., “OMG”
Oh shit. I totally thought the
Man on the phone said
Gay Walk of Shame.