Are you ready to win some books with the power of your awesomeness? I thought so.
THE SITUATION: Courtney Love, leaving the Groucho Club in London.
THE TASK: Given the Avian theme of her outfit, let us imagine that, in her wanderings, Courtney Love has discovered a new species of bird. NAME THAT BIRD.
THE RULES: All entries must be posted in the comments of this post by 9 p.m. Pacific time on Sunday.
THE PRIZE: Yay! This week, we have five (5!) copies of Abby McDonald’s The Popularity Rules, freshly published here in the US. What’s it about? Terribly glad you asked: “Kat Elliot is no social butterfly: She’s spent her life rebelling against phony schmoozing – and it’s led her nowhere. Just as she’s ready to give up her dreams and admit defeat, in steps Lauren Anderville. One-time allies against their school bullies, Lauren and Kat had been inseparable. Then one year later Lauren returned from summer camp blonde, bubbly and suddenly popular, and Kat was left to face the world alone. Lauren finally wants to make amends by teaching Kat the secret to her success: The Popularity Rules. A decades-old rulebook, its secrets transformed Lauren that fateful summer. Tempted by Lauren’s promises of glitzy parties and the job she’s always dreamed of, Kat reluctantly submits to a total makeover – only to find that life with the in-crowd might have something going for it after all. But while Lauren has sacrificed everything to get ahead, is Kat really ready to accept that popularity is the only prize that counts?” We smell shenanigans. And hey, everyone loves a makeover.
Comments (155):
Crackbird
That was the first thing that crossed my lips! LOL
Well to me, the picture just reminds me of Big Bird, perhaps on his way to a funeral, so the new bird species could be Birdus maximus funeralis
Crotchduster
Grey Goober
Crackodactyl
Nice one.
Hilarious!
FAVORITE.
Baltimore Whore-iole
Crazyfaced Warbler
American Coot
(which is an actual bird)
Aves Kinderwhoreus
Homeless Warbler
The Great White Celebrity-Skinned rEgret (Regretta Lotathingsillius)). Also known as the Common Loon
“rEgret” – its early in the competition, but: FTW!!!
Agreed. rEgret FTW. I’m not even going to try.
Brilliant!
FTW – agreed!
Why, it’s the rare blue mottled kamikaze pelvispecker!
The elusive Gloved Grungy Grouse.
Common Gnatchatcher
The Cracked-Out Crane – this species is indigenous to areas where other similar species have lived long past their shelf life (see: Kate Moss exiting the Groucho Club), and have a particular birdcall that reeks of disillusionment.
Cracked-out black-hosed has-been. Also known by the latin name Oneglovis crazeballis.
Foramen plumbum aduro
The Pelvis Nesting Tuft-Bird (of the genus: Strungoutus Muppetus)
The Wack-a-Loon (Unfortunately, this particular version of that bird died upon reaching Courtney’s body.)
The Lostrich
Oooh. That one rhymes with a bird and it’s kind of heavy and true!
The Baltimore Glory Hole
It’s a sighting of the rare Crotch-Adjacent Muppet Killer!
Beware; it may snatch any spare change, or stalk prey at the open bar. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT engage in conversation.
Brazilian Rocaine
Coke-aburra. (ex. See the mighty coke-aburra descend from it’s lair to appear coked out and in dissarray!)
http://www.autumnvanweir.com
Lapfro
the “blacked-out swan”
Crackus Famewhoreita (in the Nirvanatics family) otherwise known as the North American Talentless Coattail Rider.
The Crinkled Drool-Smudgie*
(Please note – the name Ms. Love submitted was indecipherable, so in place we have accepted her method of submission instead – a crinkled piece of paper smudged with drool)
Stoned Face Cuckoo
Plasticia Disturbana
This rare bird is unusual due to the hardening of the skin on the face. As the bird ages, it voluntarily ingests an array of chemicals that cause the face to turn into a plastic like substance. Most interestingly, studies have show as the face hardens brain waves decrease.
See also: Lohana Lindsbana
Botoxtrich
Western American Rodehard Bushtit
I just spit Coke Zero all over my screen.
Brilliant!
hiLARious
The Black Flamingross
As the crow flies/
She denies/
Being high.
(Love ya, Courtney—)
Cocainetiel — nearing extinction
The Multicolored Hole-Rat Bird (crackwhorious celebritilius)
Once this bird starts to make its particular brand of noise, it has difficulty stopping – much to the dismay of all around it who find its squawks awful and obnoxious, and wish it would return to the hole it digs for shelter. This bird can be very aggressive and is known to initiate fights with other creatures – bird and non-bird alike – in both mating and non-mating situations. This bird frequents garages and has a particular attraction to bands who practice in them. Bandmates are generally annoyed by this bird and it has been known as the cause for internal band struggles due to its annoying squawk and refusal to leave. As such, it is often compared to an albatross.
Portland Ruffled Cranewreck
This rare but boisterous creature migrates up and down the West Coast of the United States but is best known for inhabiting its tattered nesting grounds in Portland, Oregon. Although the Portland Ruffled Cranewreck is frequently found wandering the gardens of Malibu’s chicest rehabs or passed out on its own front lawn, like a phoenix, the Portland Ruffled Cranewreck will always rise from its ashes, particularly when it senses that polyester, torn fishnet stockings, or shirts made from hemp are in the vicinity.
Tufted Titfrau
Blue Crested Heroin-laced Poonanny
Indigenous to large NYC and the greater LA area (except the valley) thrives on cigarette butts, cocaine and European bottled water. Mating ritual consists of opening up it’s legs, flapping its feathers while licking ecstasy dots.
Thrives on chaos and the spotlight. Mates sporadically and has a short life expectantcy
The rare Malibu-footed Booby.
The Cokeatiel.
emu’s sweetheart
Well, she is obviously not of the Brazilian Ornitholominge species. Nay, I this is a rare unseasonal sighting of a Bat Sheet Crackatoo.
Duckbilled Nirvana Vulture
The blue-crotched silken tweeter, Caeruleus inguinus demensus. It is known to perch in the shadows of nightclubs, winging in to sip from drinks when people aren’t looking. On nights of the new moon and open mics, you can hear its mournful cry coming from the stage … “I’m still HEEEEErrrrreee…I’m still HEEEEErrrrrreeeee….”
The Nocturnal Flounced Flopatoo
This bird, rarely seen as it no one really cares to look for it, is flightless and and has no recognizable talents. Distinguished by it’s characteristic of looking progressively haggard as the night wears on.
The Dark-Eyed Junco (real bird)
Scientific Name: Messus Insanus
Habitat: Rehab Centers in western U.S.
Food: Fruit Loops and cough syrup (on a good day)
Mating Ritual: Exposes blue wing tips and groin plumage to attract a mate
brill!
The Black Crusted (instead of Crested- get it?) Macaw
The Prussian Plumed Bawdy Cracked Prisslepiper
Crackatoo
Close cousin of the Cockatoo, with similarly loud and harsh vocalizations, only more identifiable by it’s ratty plumage.
Drunktoomuch Wild Turkey
She’s turning into a Skeksi: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skeksis#Appearance
Great Ashen Heroin
Look, kids, it’s a Witless Warbler!
The Greased Twitter Junkie
black hole soul swallow
I like Megan’s suggestion for the multiple grunge references–Courtney’s band Hole as well as a possible reference to the song Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden.
Ooooo, look! The Hairy Swamphen! or is that a Crackabura?
The Great Blue Colostomus Bagus
Crack Swan – a majestic creature representing the dichotomy between insanity and insobriety
It’s a rare strain of common warbler called “Forty Years of Drugs and Alcohol Will Make You Cuckoo” bird.
Although considered rare, it is most commonly found in front of press cameras, and in fact, will seak out publicity in any form. It has been noted that the more publicity it gets, the more like a cuckoo it becomes, displaying progressively strange and unusual plumage and behaviors as the attention increases. For this reason birding guides discourage taking photos, unless you just can’t help yourself.
The Crack-o-Courtney. Because she would so name the poor bird after her two most favorite things.
Downy-Bellied Hagpie
Hirsutus vomitupus
The Wackadoodle
Giant Grey-Snatch Pheasant
The Sallow-Cheeked Warbler; species addictus rockerus
The bleary-eyed junko.
The Glassy-Eyed Tufted Nomadic Warbler
Oxyrobin
The hungover raven
corvus intoxicatus
Behold, the glorious ebony plumage of the Ashy-waisted Coke-atoo.
Hagpie
It’s clearly a gray-and-black spotted whackadoodle.
Tufted Crotchmouse, easy
Tweet Twit
Molting Loon
Crackingo!
The on-the-hooch-a-doodle
Crack-spree-cock
Captain Crack Sparrow
The blackfooted clusterfuck
Nicotinus Guttersnipe
The Busted Face Boobie
A Pale-Faced Puffy Muff
The Courtney Blackbird (Turdus Sotted)
MIdnight-Tufted Fupa (aka Pannus Malibuus)
Fugmie Nut Thatch
The Lesser-washed Badly-Brushed Chanteuse ;0)
Why that’s an ageing Lesser Noticed Crusty-flange (Cramazicus what-the-fugularis)
Noglovus Nolovus
Clearly, it’s the Gray-tufted Slattern.
Shiny-backed Crackatoo
The Crested Bush Boobie, commonly known as the Crack-thatch.
This is the last avian in its species; the Gaourtney Fugaloos.
(Gaga + Courtney = Gaourtney. Fuagaloos = That outfit is just FUG!)
Grungeous Crackiho
Common Name: Pelvic-plumed Grunge Ho.
You’ll note that this peculiar bird holds her distinctive blue-tipped wing up to her face to imitate being on the telephone. This is an attempt to attract mates by pretending people wish to speak to her.
The unearthed skeleton of a Prehistoric Winged Skankasaurus
Taco Titmuncher.
totally random but totally made me laugh out loud
Oh you’re all so mean, it’s the World Famous Courting LOVE BIRD of course famcortneous ex-colbaineater
(Just don’t it where it’s been, It’ll say Nirvana, but you know they give out those blue latex gloves at the needle exchange…)
Oh you’re all so mean, it’s the World Famous Courting LOVE BIRD
of course
famcortneous ex-colbaineater
(Just don’t it where it’s been, It’ll say Nirvana, but you know they give out those blue latex gloves at the needle exchange…)
Ok I tried to get the Bold to go away after “BIRD” but it wont – guess it’s just gotta shout it!
the drugius disheveled dodo. A large flightless bird with rather mottled grungy feathers that had a strange affinity for Middle Eastern poppies.
The Increasingly Worn-bill Slummingbird (crazeballus trainwreckus)
Notable for having the shortest mating window in the avian world, the female of the species is ready and presentable for only twenty-seven minutes annually. The rest of the year she emits a toxic combination of desperation, self-destructiveness and Cheetos. She is often sticky to the touch.
The Mourning Muppet.
I think some real bird names fit her quite well:
*White-throated Earthcreeper
*Pale-legged Hornero
*Sooty-headed Tyrant
*Babbling Starling
*Bar-bellied Cuckooshrike
and on and on…..
Grey Goose on Ice (six parts vodka, seven parts cocaine, and every part Courtney Love)
Homeless Pigeon
Crashus Pelveticus.
“The Parrotten Bird”
“The Hammeredbird”
“The Non-Emmune Bird”
“The Hawk Goth”
“The Hole-making Woodpecker”
“The Peackourtney”
The Fuzzy Poe – a newly discovered and decorative species of Raven with a slightly more musical croak: “Evermore.”
Brokedown Buzzard
Also known as the Rough-legged Buzzard ( Useduptus Buteo lagopus)
Known for it’s alarm call which sounds like a downward slurring whistle. During courtship, both sexes have been recorded to give a whistling sound that changes to a hiss.
Purple plumed pimpiper (Featherania Dusteralis)
bluefooted malibooby
(she’s not too far from a true bluefooted boobie: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue-footed_Booby)
Clearly that is a black breasted COKE-atiel.
Gotta love my ability to spell
An excellent specimen of Regretus everwearingus, known its native L.A. as the Bony-Backed Crotchsprey. Resembles the more opulent Poorus lifedecisionus, for which it competes for natural resources and photo opportunities.
*with which. yup.
The Mourningale. A super depressing bird that smokes a lot of clove cigarettes and doesn’t shower.
“The Out-of-Jailbird”
SqueeeeeEMU.
Blind Dirty-Tailed Buzzard
the party fowl.
skinny little finch.
Tweaky Bird
Emo Emu
Loocan (that will eventually stump for that British breakfast cereal Fruitcake Loops
Dismal Faced Nightinghoul
As a nod to the now (i believe) extinct species the do-do bird good old Courtney here is the progenitor of the new species the doo-doo bird. Cause homegirl looks like straight up sh*t.
The Great White and Blue Nether Ringed Crackaloca
Le Cuckoo Cockatoo Noire
You all are so hilarious-
The Black Bjork
Ahahahahahahahaha………………………..
Avis Lookalikus, which, when pursued or chased (by paparazzi) changes its appearance to resemble other birds; in this case, Meg Ryan.
ptera-crackdyl
Crack Swan