Fug Madness 2016 Round One: Madonna Bracket, Part 2

This is a fun bracket. We have singer v. singer in the form of J Lo v. T Swizzle. We’ve got other singer v. other singer in the form of Ellie Goulding v. Katy Perry. Beyonce will see if her intense nudity and high pony at the Met Gala can take down Rose McGowan and her mesh pants and bathing suit. Finally, Chloe Grace Moretz will try to defeat Julianne Moore. As King George would say, “gooood luck.”

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Jennifer Lopez v. Taylor Swift · Ellie Goulding v. Katy Perry · Beyonce v. Rose McGowan · Chloe Grace Moretz v. Julianne Moore

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1. JENNIFER LOPEZ v. 16 TAYLOR SWIFT

With both of these women, a reminder before you head into the archives: Performance gear is not eligible.  however! J Lo has given us SO MUCH MORE than just spangled performance outfits. She wore this yellow look to the Globes, which was divisive.  This, at the American Music Awards, is RIDICULOUS. As, in fact, was this, at the same event (which she hosted). She went Full Kardashian here; she ALSO went Full Kardashian here. THESE are JUST SHIRTS.

And then there was this:

AND THIS:

AND THIS:

AND THIS:

OH J. LO:

J. Lo. J Lo. J Lo, no.

Over to Taylor, who actually didn’t go out much this year, which is a surprise to realize, because she felt kind of ubiquitous — perhaps because I spent a lot of time listening to 1989. This look, however, could easily have been seen ON J Lo.

When T Swizzle left the house, however, we saw A LOT of her midriff. Like, all the time. Like, constant midriff madness:

It takes commitment to theme to figure out a way to flash your abs when you’re also wearing overalls:

I HATED this next look, but several of you thought I was being too harsh. I stand by my dislike, however:

(Although, in fairness, I do embrace that pattern. Just not as FORMAL SWEATS.)

Sometimes, she took the midriff and kicked it up to include, like, bikini bottoms:

Taylor Swift, your high-waisted granny panties are not necessary for ANY event. And I think you know that.

Here are Jennifer’s archives. They are an experience.

Here are Taylor’s archives.

8. ELLIE GOULDING v. 9 KATY PERRY

SINGER VS. SINGER. Only one can move forward!

Every time I see Ellie Goulding, I think, “this woman performed at William and Kate’s wedding reception.” (Bex Porter would not have hired Ellie Goulding for that reception that may or may not have happened.) Her ENTIRE GRAMMYS WEEKEND was a fiasco. This look was HIGHLY undercrackers-adjacent. This was…well, let’s just call it a lot. THIS is a depressed caftan, and a caftan ought NEVER be depressed.

AND THEN:

I’m not joking when I say that is so hideous that it makes me want to stab myself in the hand with a quill. I HATE IT.

The rest of this may or may not stoke the flames on the side of my face. Like, this is hideous:

At the time, I said, “this is dumb and I also kind of like it, which is also how I feel about Quantico,” and I think I stand by that. I am hate-watching this outfit:

Were you wondering if Ellie Goulding when through a Sexy Lady Pirate Phase? The answer is, duh. Of course she did:

This is….an outfit that basically every single person in Fug Madness has also worn, and I didn’t like it on any of them:

I feel like this one was meant for Sia and their respective mail carriers just got confused:

It would work on approximately neither of them.

TO KATY PERRY! (Who Bex might have hired for the reception, just to see if she could get away with it. I suspect Nick has a fondness for Katy Perry’s costuming. Which is, as a reminder, not eligible.)

Of course, you could argue that even her Walking Around Wear is performance-y, and this would be exhibit A. (She LOVES Moschino; she wore it to the Met Gala, too.)

WHAT IS THIS:

She looks like she let Madonna take over dressing her for the day, and Madge decided to eff with her. That sheer, long-line, bejewleed bodice? It’s cruel and it hates her. In fact, Katy’s had bad luck with undergarments lately:

That is FOR REAL just a bra from Victoria’s Secret, never intended to see the light of day. And, in addition to Undergarments on the Loose, Katy also spend much of her eligibility period experimenting with big hair. Really, really big hair. Like, Old School Country Star-style big hair:

I actually love Big Hair. But you don’t ALWAYS want people’s first reactions to you to be, “nice Bump-It!”

(Not for nothing, that custom Prada also doesn’t fit, which…the word custom would imply otherwise, right?”

I would be remiss in my duties if I didn’t note that Katy also wore a turban this year:

I can’t totally ding that. I’ll be honest.

Tiptoe through Ellie’s archives!

Firework your way through Katy’s!

5. BEYONCE v 12 ROSE MCGOWAN

Get ready, Beygency! (Does Rose McGowan have a Shadowy Cabal Protecting Her Interests? She should! They can be called…McGowantrnal Affairs? I need to workshop this.) Both women in this game have a lot of Walking Around Clothes in contention. Let’s begin, though, with Bey, who REALLY only game out for the biggest of the big events, this year, namely, The Met Gala, the launch of Tidal, and the Grammys. (And, of course, the Super Bowl, but as a performance outfit, that doesn’t count for our purposes.) That’s not to say she wasn’t busy this year — she was working on Formation, among other things (surely a new, full-length album is in the works?) — but just that her business kept her mostly out of the spotlight.

She made the most of the Met, though:

UGH. My feeling on this is: (a) this amount of sheerness is really played out by now, (b) you’re BEYONCE. You should be more INTERESTING than this, and (c) that ponytail is doing her no favors. I mean, listen: Beyonce is gorgeous and her body is fantastic. But…I just want more interestingness from her. This was ultimately boring, and I don’t think she is, as an artist, boring at all. So…you know. I honestly almost would rather see her go down the bonkers Gaga route than the kind of predictable sheer one.

This was also kind of underwhelming. You’re Beyonce! YOU SHOULD WHELM US!

And this was like, Kindly Sister Wife, which is….an interesting direction?

We also saw a fair about of her in Walking Around Clothes, which included hot pink leather shorts:

This sartorial expression of Laundry Day (although I will note that I think she looks so young and pretty here, facially):

And a visible bra, in an outfit that feels very Miami Vice: For Her!

I’d like to thank the concept of the visible bra for providing me with a neat segue to Rose:

If Beyonce was into her High Ponytail this year, Rose was deeply feeling the croptop:

Who loves that shirt enough to buy it twice? Rose McGowan. Who, as I note every time I write about her, is one of my favorite interviews ever. She is A KICK, no matter what she wears, and I enjoy her. I do not so much enjoy this, though, technically speaking, although the skirt is cute:

This was just a trail run for when she’s a wacky old broad in about twenty-five years:

And this — OH! This. It’s a swimsuit cover-up. Literally:

Before you make your final choice, as ever, here are Beyonce’s archives.

And here are Rose’s.

4. CHLOE GRACE MORETZ v. 13. JULIANNE MOORE

Looking at these photos of CGM, I learned one unnerving thing: she ALWAYS has something tied around her neck. You guys, are these chokers and scarves and neckties and ascots actually holding her head on?

This is hideous:

Everything about it is a mistake. Whoever let her wear that in front of photographers had to have regretted it immediately. (Unless that person secretly hates her, and was instead laughing maniacally, in which case, let me buy you a drink.)

This is Coach, and yes. It looks, as Heather put it at the time, like the lining of a bag:

That choker, again. It’s not needed. OR IS IT? Because she’s wearing it here, too:

Here, we’ve got a hoe-down necktie happening and a denim bra perilously attached to some manner of skirt. This feels like a costume once used in a Farmers Only.com ad. IT’S NOT GOOD:

 

 

I also don’t think THIS necktie was needed unless for mysterious head-holding-on reasons:

Girlfriend. Every time you leave the house, it’s like you’ve conspired to make it look as if someone has just plonked your head on top of your shoulders. STOP DOING IT TO YOURSELF.

Let’s talk about Ms Moore, who, at the very least, I’m sure is not attaching her head to her body with remnants salvaged from JoAnn’s Fabrics. La Moore was kind of understated this particular awards season, mostly because as Outgoing Champion, she didn’t have anything to prove, and good manners prevented her from showing up looking desperate to draw focus from the nominees.

A lot of people hated this. (I didn’t, actually, but I understand your concerns.)

Even Julianne Moore flirted with a version of the sheers, you guys. That’s how we know that trend, at one point, reached basically everywhere:

She also continued to allow Chanel to force her to wear things that, perhaps, do not entirely do her justice:

But, mostly, she wore A LOT of black. Like so:

 

 

And thus:

And such:

You can enjoy (????) CGM’s archives here.

And Julianne’s are here.