I’m not even kidding when I tell you that I am SURE Bea Arthur wore this on a New Year’s Eve episode of The Golden Girls once.
I wish Bea could teleport through time and across dimensions into this New Year’s Eve, where I feel like she would be giving her fellow actors stern, sassy Get-A-Grip speeches. She could tell Biel to sack up and dump JT for good (and stop dressing like her lost roommate) (and never do another ensemble Gary Marshall movie). She could tell SJP that surely her SatC residuals are enough to keep her from having to make this movie. She could tell Katherine Heigl to do something about her hair, and get a new PR team that doesn’t include her momager. She could congratulate Abigail Breslin for seemingly being a charming and talented young lady, and congratulate Ludacris for being really cute and charismatic. She could tell Halle Berry that she deserves better than a movie which devotes almost no time to her in the trailer, while devoting MUCHO time to Ashton Kutcher. She could slap Ashton Kutcher and say nothing to him. She could tell Lea Michele that under no circumstances will it improve her career to hook up with Ashton Kutcher. She could ask Jon Bon Jovi to indulge her in a stanza of “Livin On A Prayer.” She could tell Josh Duhamel that she cried when Leo Du Pres died on AMC, and then they could be sad together about the demise of the soap opera. She could high five Zefron for getting to hang out with Michelle Pfeiffer all the time, and she could ask Michelle Pfeiffer how it’s possible that we all totally forgot she was still married to David E. Kelley, and, also, what was it like to make out with John Malkovich –weird? Sort of hot? Sort of hot and weird? She could tell Hector Elizondo to take a vacation. She could tell Seth Meyers that between this and I Don’t Know How She Does It, maybe his nose for movie scripts could use a little help, but at least he’s cute as a button. She could tell Sofia Vergara that she’s jealous of her cleavage, and congratulate Til Schweiger for perhaps being the only person in the cast who made a smart choice in making this movie. She could tell Hilary Swank that giving a glowing toast at the birthday party for a major human rights violator was perhaps not her brightest move and that at the very least she should learn to Google more effectively. She could ask Robert De Niro WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING DECIDING TO MAKE THIS MOVIE AND MEET THE FOCKERS: MORE FOCKERS: THE FOCKERS NEVER END BECAUSE HE’S ROBERT FREAKING DE NIRO MY GOD HAVE SOME DIGNITY. And then she could sweep out in a flurry of caftan leaving us all wiser, better people. I wish that would happen.
[Photo: Getty
Comments (61):
Wait! Isn’t this just, essentially, the Mother of the Bride version of the dress Lea Michele wore to the same damn opening?
http://gofugyourself.com/better-played-lea-michelered-alert-lea-michele-12-2011/premiere-of-warner-bros-pictures-new-years-eve-arrivals-6
First thought I had. I do like the material, if there were only a middle ground between sternum-philia and dowdsville.
Hilarious! I also wish that would happen. I do feel, though that she erased the ill will of this with the white number she wore on Letterman last night. She looked amazing.
Oh honey, there’s plenty of time to wear old-lady clothes when you become an actual old lady. Although an old lady would at least know enough to wear a slip and some shoes that fit.
Cute … but you’re mistaking DeNiro for Al Pacino in Jack & Jill.
Sorry to be all service-y. :/
Thank you, Chris!
Well, substitute MEET THE FOCKERS.
And so I have.
I don’t know how to process the fact Til Schweiger is in this movie.
Me, too. Does kick someone’s Nazi a$$?
I just went to look up Til Schweiger. OH MY.
He’s very famous in Germany.
That’s sort of why it’s weird. Like, he shouldn’t have to be in this craptacular American suckfest.
WOW That’s an attractive man!
It was Al Pacino in Jack and Jill! Not Bobby. Honest mistake though, they’ve both made maybe not the best choices in movies.
If I had a 10th of the smokin hot bod that Biel has I certainly would not be hiding it in this monstrosity. Seriously – what is she hiding under there ? She’s no Angelina, she can’t pull this caftan shite off and call it classic.
Exactly, theotherjennifer. She has one of the best bodies in the bidness, and she must have to work bloody hard to keep it looking so good, so it’s mystifying that she’d hide it under a beige sack dress of such fugly proportions.
I … like it, you guys.I wouldn’t wear it, because my hips and ass are too big, but I admire it on her.
Me too! It is not something I could wear, as I am not slender, but I think it’s kind of great.
I’d be roaring loudly in disagreement with this post, except that I so want Bea Arthur to come back and do all the things Jessica suggests.
Um, wow. Yes. Classic.
To clarify: the post, not the dress, which is just okay.
Do we need to explain to her that she has a hot bod, and that while we don’t want to see her lady parts; she also doesn’t need to cover EVERY BIT OF SKIN? It’s like Sister Wives in Hollywood up in here.
In my mind I SAW Bea Arthur do all these things so for me, it happened!! Nice post, especially about Robert de Niro. The hell, man. The hell.
By the way, how long is this movie? With a cast this large, they’ll each get about 10 – 15 minutes screen time a piece, right?
That screen time’s just not short enough, when it comes to some of these (cough! Ashton, cough!) people.
I love this posting. Every line made me laugh. Thank you, ladies
I have the problem of not being able to look past my feelings on celebs enough to see what they are actually wearing. Needy Biel here is one of those that I just do not like, therefore this is REALLY REALLY bad. On the plus side, it really is BAD so my vision is pretty good today.
Actually I saw the movie (free preview) and it’s not that bad. Yes very formulaic chick flick, but the bigger named actors really make it easier to stomach. DeNiro is very good and other than the one (really they paired them?!) moment I enjoyed it. That said this dress is a departure from young bombshell, but I think she pulls it off.
*ducks*
Yeah, but you should’ve seen the dress she almost wore to this event. Too bad Anne Hathaway’s stylist got it for her first.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHA
BEST COMMENT EVER!!!
(in response to Libby at 1:36)…this is not me suggesting that my comment is, in fact, the best comment ever…lol
BRILLIANT.
I’m totally a commenter too!! I need everyone to know that I was almost the one who said this …
Libby FTW!!
I like it. It’s winter. She’s covered.
this is absolutely hilarious. but i actually love the dress a little bit.
Awesome post Jessica!
I actually think this could work with a little tweaking. If only the skirt were a fitted mini, it would be fab. Of course, I’ve always been a sucker for a billowy sleeve, so maybe the cheese stands alone on this one.
Lea Michele’s dowdy older sister. I don’t get it. She is HOT and this does nothing for her, it’s like she lost a dare.
I think it is possible to cover up in the cold and still look better than this. MUCH better. Her face still looks pretty fab.
I miss her so much.
I have been a big fan of hers but I think this time she hit it out of the park. The dress fits well and hangs wonderfully. It is very conservative but there is no doubt that there is a very shapely woman inside.
She, herself, is immaculately turned out with shiny hair, shiny nails (all of them) and properly chosen bag and shoes.
It gets tiresome seeing all the tits and slits and bits of the wannabes. This is a refreshing change of pace and I LIKE IT!
Darn! First sentenced should read I nave NOT been a big – - – -
The sleeves are too 70s. Otherwise, I think it’s redeemable.
this post. is epic.
HAHAAAAAAAAA! And to think it all started with J. Biel and Bea Arthur. I love this post so much that I almost want to marry it. ;D Brava, dahling!
I LOVE IT & COVET IT ALL! I love the hair, the makeup, the jewelry, the dress, the nailpolish, the clutch & the shoes! I would wear this proudly and I think Jessica Biel looks GORGEOUS!!! Oh, GFY Jessica, now I wonder what Bea Arthur would tell me… Heh, heh!
Oh, Bea Arthur, you are SO MISSED. Please come back and haunt the hell out of young (and not-young) Hollywood.
The dress looked better on the runway with the hair up — it looks like it moves beautifully, but everything’s so droopy with JB’s hair down & stiff posture. She has such athletic grace, I wish it translated better onto film.
Jessica – yay! This is one of your finest…
If only it were longer, with a train, I could forgive the sleeves and fall in love with it.
Oh, those 1970′s sleeves! Also, the beige lining gives it an almost indecent look.
Fantastic post. By the time I finished reading it, Jessica Biel was beside the point. Bring back Dorothy Zbornak !
I cannot even tell you how much I agree with absolutely everything you/Bea Arthur just said. ESPECIALLY about Robert De Niro. What. Is. He. Doing.
This is absolutely hideous for all the reasons you can think of. She is such an attractive woman, but she gets it all wrong on the red carpet 90% of the time.
I am getting that 70ish vibe from her too (as in 1970s, not that she looks 70ish)…with that long straight hair and puffy sleeves on a granny dress…rather like Ali McGraw in Love Story! I agree that she doesn’t need to wear something low cut and too short, but this is just…depressing.
this commentary is like Dicken’s A Christmas Carol only WAY BETTER…it’s got Bea Arthur as Maude as the Ghost of New Year’s Eve! I would watch this every year.
just a tad to short. I think the banded part should go over her hips, and her dress should go down to her toes.
Why was it smart of Till Schweiger to make that movie?
He’s huge in Germany, but this gives him some face time with an international audience.
All I want to know is, is that Bobcat Goldthwait staring out from over her shoulder? I feel like he hates the dress too.
Pretty dress…. its a little old style though.