I AM pleased any time I get the chance to mention ORPHAN, the terrible/awesome movie that I’ve virtually forced many of you to watch, and in which Vera Farmiga here stars.
I’m sure SHE’S all, “yes, and also I was Oscar-nominated for Up in the Air?” and I am all, “Intern George is no psychotic 30 year old Russian hooker with a major hormonal imbalance,” and that hooker is all, “actually, I just got cast in The Hunger Games,” and 95% of Hollywood is like, “so did we, and Lions Gate sent out a press release about us!” and press releases are all, “SERIOUSLY, The Hunger Games, give it a REST. We need a NAP. No one cares who the fifth kid from the left in the third scene after the credit sequence is,” and The Hunger Games is all, “leave me out of this, I am a great book,” and books are all, “this is true, blame that on Lions Gate,” and Lions Gate is all, “WE ARE ALREADY PLANNING HOW WE’RE GOING TO ROLL AROUND IN YOUR MONEY,” and money is all, “I can’t believe that badass Vera Farmiga spent me on this horrifying jumpsuit.”
Comments (40):
That is the least flattering thing I have ever seen.
She is very pretty and I’m sure she has a great body. But this outfit simultaneously makes her look like she has droopy boobs, a belly pooch, huge butt _and_ short stumpy legs–a quadfecta!
This is one of your best posts in a while. WELL PLAYED!
Wait – Vera Farmiga is cast in The Hunger Games?
(Up In the Air? was a crap movie. No idea why it was nominated for anything. Depressing. All that time watching and at the end, Intern George was still a nomadic manwhore.)
Impressive explanation
I <3 this post. I mean, the outfit hurts my eyes, but the writing it inspired is awesome.
Well played indeed Jessica! I’m a sucker for floral embellishments, so I’m inclined to like the top half, but it’s horrifying from the chest down.
I am pretending the blue thing on her shoulder has taken control of her brain and is planning world domination.
Agreed with Amanda in Austin.
Hilarious!
I agree with Kate Up In The Air>/i> WAS a crap movie.
Intern George or no Intern George.
I still have no clue why anyone is interested in a story like The Hunger Games.
Vera’s best role was probably the “I’m not a spy (but really I am) woman” in Nothing But The Truth.
You would have to tie me up and force me to watch Orphan.
Vera looks like ka-ka poo-poo in that outfit.
No question.
This is a JUMPSUIT?! Glad I’m sitting down.
Not sure which one of you wrote this, but BRAVA, BRAVA!!! Absolutely excellent. So impressed.
HILARIOUS.
OMG this outfit. It’s so terrible it HAS to be intentional.
That blue is awesome on her. Take the blue, magic-presto it from a frou-frou flower into a clingy, v-necked sheath, burn the shoes and give her some kicking heels, and–BAM–delish. I agree with several others that the writing is the real winner here!
You can tell who wrote it by looking at the header — it has the date and the author. Thanks, y’all!
Hilarious posts like this make my girl crush surge anew.
Esther would make her *eat* that satin flower atrocity.
The commenting on this photo was pure awesome. Thank you for that.
And that sad, sad, pitiful little ribbon/ tie/ bathrobe belt posing as a necklace just makes me want to weep. (So much that I can ignore my inability to understand the references. Was “Up in the Air” that cartoon movie with the house and balloons?)
Orphan is AWESOME.
That was so funny. I don’t even care about the outfit much, but daaamn you can write.
How can you tell what she’s wearing? Maybe it’s my monitor, but the only way I can tell she even attended the event is when the text behind her disappears!
I’ve been following your blog for 4 years now, and have always enjoyed it. But with your new book out (which was AWESOME, btw) i was afraid your new ventures would take you away from this blog. This post has eased my fears, as it made me snort coffee out of my nose! Fantastic!
You’re 2 of the most talented and witty authors/bloggers out there! Please don’t ever leave us!!!!
Ugh, seriously – shut UP, Hunger Games
Dumpy, dumpy, dumpy … and she almost looks like she’s trying to hide behind her purse, but it’s just about as effective as a fig leaf …
And I’m all, “That is one heinous outfit but a damn inspired blurb.”
Oh, give her a break. She pretty recently had a baby.
All the more reason that she might have felt and looked more comfortable in a sassy wrap dress, though, no?
Wow. Proof that black is not always “slenderizing.”
And eh. Farmiga does nothing for me, Orphan or not. She’s one of those “Oh I’m an AC-TOR you know” people, always deadly serious about her “craft,” and she was once married to a guy called Sebastian ROSHAY (actually Roche) so there you are.
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this post, Jessica!!! Just AWESOME, unlike Vera’s outfit!
this makes her looks so…..doughy.
when you said ‘orphan’, I thought you meant ‘the orphanage’ which is also AWFUL. and spanish….
That was one of the best posts EVER.
Whhhhhhaaaaat??? This made me gasp out loud.
Most unfortunate.
Amazing post.
Yessss, love this post!
Now that was top-drawer writing. Even if you are in complete error about The Orphan. The comment above about the European Farmiga being snooty because she was married to a European is probably too plain dumb for anyone to respond to.
Vera Farmiga, she has the great fortune of looking ravishing on screen, even though in Real TM celebrity life she is the queen of dowdy. Unless it was a body double, I think I’ve seen her pretty much naked (in the Intern George movie) and she was hot hot hot perfectly fit. How does that body transform into this lumpy, collapsing black-giant, when stuffed in her various silken potato sacks, with shiny XMas gift bows still stuck on, and when confronted with an event photographer? If she had a body double in that Clooney downsizing movie (Which was pretentiously vapid.), and her real body is pear-shaped and a little chubalub, and she has to wear expensive sacks in the way that ladies of a certain sedentarism do, then I completely apologize. All bodies are good, whatever’s slung over them. I just do not understand the vast Farmiga-disconnect amongst the many screens in my life. Well, it probably just goes to show that Farmiga is indeed such an awesome craft actor that she consistently fools me in movies into believing that she is gorgeous and sexy, instead of a teacher grocery shopping at Albertson’s after a long day with seven classes of forty 16-year-olds..
I long ago challenged Jessica and Heather to find a well played celeb wearing a jumpsuit, because I secretly love jumpsuits. However this one is truly horrifyingly fug. Excellent writing though! (PS They also declined my challenge)
Heeheehee excellent post!