After a crazy first quarter of the year that included both awards season AND Fug Madness, we decided it was time — finally — to bring back Freaky Fug Friday. But this time, it’s a souped-up Freaky Fug Friday, because there is a PRIZE. A really good one.
Megan McCafferty — a New York Times best-selling author, thanks to her hilarious and poignant Jessica Darling books — has a new novel coming out on Tuesday. It’s called Bumped, it’s a satire about a world in which teens are farmed out to get pregnant for profit (not so foreign a concept now that Us Weekly covers the Teen Mom girls like they’re celebrities), it’s incredibly clever both in concept and in execution, and we have five (FIVE!) copies of it to give away to Freaky Fug Friday finalists.
So this week, we’ll pick not three finalists but five, and each one will get a brand spanking new copy of Megan’s book. Because beach season is right around the corner and we all need something to curl up with under our umbrellas and giant hats and layers of sunscreen, right? Although, I suspect you won’t be able to wait that long to read it. And once you pick it up, forget it, you’re sucked in and staying there.
Ready? Here we go:
THE SUBJECT: Christina Aguilera, singer, semi-pro partier, future Cher impersonator?
THE DETAILS: Christina is in West Hollywood to launch the Gay Walk of Fame.
And she brought some friends.
THE ASSIGNMENT: Let’s go back to my personal favorite, the acrostic. Here is a rundown of how it works, with some examples; basically, the first letter of each line should spell a relevant word or phrase. We’ve done them before with Courtney Love and Lenny Kravitz, among others, and they always bring out the best and funniest Fug Nation has to offer.
THE RULES: All entries must be posted in the comments of this post by Sunday at 10 p.m. Pacific time. Do not e-mail it, please.
THE PRIZE: Our five finalists get a copy of Bumped, and then y’all vote on the winner Monday. That person gets the people’s ovation — so, the same prize as Iron Chef.
Ready? Set? GO.
[Photos: Pacific Coast News]
Comments (192):
Breasts! Damn, girl, while those are impressive,
Or even awe-inspiring, nevertheless, I question the taste level
Of putting them on display so … frontally.
Bras can be your friend,
So try getting one that fits.
T – Take a look at this boys
R – Right off the floor at burlington coat factory
A – Amazing, right?
G – Girl, please.
I – I’m ready to vomit
C – Can we leave already?
Barely there clothing, lace stretching, threatening to tear.
Alas, how will those breasts stay contained?
Zinging away, bursting away from the bustier.
Oh, how the girls long for their freedom,
Never responding to the demands of gravity.
Go forth Xtina, why bind yourself?
Allow your bazongas to roam free.
Bras are for pussies.
All I need is some sexy undies from the ’50s.
Zaftig is in, you know…
Or is it out right now?
Oh, I can’t even remember…
My brain is fried from all this bleach.
Suck it. I look crazy fabulous. Or maybe just crazy… I can’t tell anymore.
DUURRRTY
Don’t worry, America
U aren’t seeing the real Xtina
Underneath this brothel-madame costume
Resides a normal mother of one.
Really, I just wear this for special occasions.
Remind me again why I’m at this one?
To launch the Gay Walk of Fame?
You all know I wear this to impress the gents, right?
S- Stuffed into that outfit
A- A bit too small.
U- Underwear is not clothes,
S- So PLEASE put them away!
A- Agreed?
G- Good… but…..
E- Examine your makeup, too.
Overt boob display
Vagina skimming skirts
Every time you leave the house
Requires hand sanitizer for the souls of onlookers
Indomitable skankiness?
Those three “R’s” are well earned.
Dear God!
I think I forgot something
Robe – check
Rose between my breast – check
Thigh high clips – check
Yay, I am good to go!
This, I may have seen here before.
Although I can’t recall who wore it.
Yep, definitely someone from the fug archives.
Legsly, first name Boobs, maybe?
Or The Widow Longoria?
Rather not, I fear.
Much too ostentatious for those two.
Okay, I think if altered slightly,
Maybe remove the coat and add some
Stripper heels, also include lots of
Extensions and raccoon eyes…
Nope, can’t put my finger on it.
G-irl,
E-nough.
N-o, really
I-t’s
E-nough.
Clever girl!
How did you know that your
Rack would distract us?
I barely noticed your
Shoe bows and fur robe.
The horrifying
Insect eyes on your chest will give me
Nightmares for weeks.
Are you happy now?
Well, I was going for a classic look
Have you ever seen “Pretty Baby?”
Or maybe some other movie set in the early 1900s
Really big groups of women who lived in boarding houses together?
Every one of them dressed like this.
So what’s the big deal?
When I look at you,
How fondly I think upon
Old memories of
Rewinding The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas to the best parts
Early mornings before school,
Hoping I could look so glamorous as Dolly and the girls
Once my breasts came in,
Unaware then that
Some prayers are best left unanswered,
Especially if you ever want to look your own children in the eye.
Good luck, Xtina.
Dammmmmn that queen looks
Real
And those sure are convincing
Goods
Beloved Christina,
Look at your accomplishments,
Overcoming your Disney beginnings to
Navigate your way to the top of the charts. Then came
Dirrty.
So you set out to make a movie…
No one appreciated Burlesque like they should have.
Once you appeared on screen, I was mesmerized.
Only now… what is going on?
Kicking your husband out, forgetting the words to our anthem, then an arrest?
You’d better head to Jersey.
Bleached-out hair,
Outrageous false…….lashes,
She poses proudly, but,
Oh my word!
Men, she needs help walking!
C-hristina -
H-oney!
A sleazy black
N-egligee
N-ever
E-VER
L-ooks appropriate for public appearances.
I-t’s just poor taste.
N-ot to mention, you’re wearing your grandma’s
G-irdle with it.
M-aybe vintage undergarments
A-re best left in the boudoir.
E-veryone knows your
W-ardrobe is eccentric, but this
E-nsemble
S-ucks.
T-ry again.
Working with Cher was amazing.
Her advice was that I should
Always be willing
To be me.
To be entirely
Honest, I don’t know
Exactly what that means.
For now, I’m just going with this.
CRAZY TINA
Cher’s stage costume should
Remains in her dressing room
After her show as should yours. The
Zeitgeist is telling
You to not wear pants. I am
Telling you this is not the
Instinct you should follow.
Nor is the one you have to
Abandon clothes and choose lingerie
Please tell me my eyes deceive!
Looking at those triple
E’s!
At least remember your child…
Someday to grow into an
Embarrassed adult.
Please. It is unhealthy to wear
Undergarments that tight! Or putting
That much bleach on your hair!
Its sad to think that birds had to die for
That terrible looking bathrobe.
As your friend, Dear Xtina
With your best interests in mind…
Away those trashy fishnets. I’m only being kind.
Yours, Emily
Body shapers are not
Outerwear, nor should they
Overly express your … assets.
Betcha thought I was going to say
Something else.
Bleach is clearly leaking into my head and causing stylistic brainfarts
I’m the love child of Elvira and Cher, y’all!
Must’ve forgotten to put my DRESS on
Breastacular outfits are SO GOOD for my career
Over it? Not hardly. I am beautiful, no matter what they say…
Bosoms out: CHECK
Undergarments as outerwear: CHECK
Really really red lips: CHECK
Legs covered in fishnets: CHECK
Emu dying for my robe: CHECK
Super platinum blond hair: CHECK
Queens everywhere copying her look: CHECK
Egregiously violating Mae West’s memory: CHECK
Bosoms out: CHECK
Undergarments as outerwear: CHECK
Really really red lips: CHECK
Legs covered in fishnets: CHECK
Emu dying for my robe: CHECK
Super platinum blond hair: CHECK
Queens everywhere copying her look: CHECK
Under the radar: FAIL
Egregiously violating Mae West’s memory: CHECK
Baby,
Even lingerie models
Are aware of the
Underwear rule.
The one that says you don’t wear
It in public.
Forgetful, aren’t
U?
Love, me.
B-Bare it all, they say
O-Overtly sexual is where it’s at!
T-Take it to the extreme
T-Tounge your boyfriend all over town!
L-Let it all hang out!
E-Everyone is NOT always right.
I- I
T- Think you need to button it
U-up
P-Please, for the sake of the children!
BURLESQUE
Breasts barely wrangled
Under a coat somehow feathered AND sheer
Red lips, red nails are getting old on you and
Lashes don’t have to be 10 feet long
Even if you are going for a sexy “bedroom” look
Sausage casing is not “in” right now
Questionable doesn’t even begin to describe
Underwear as outerwear
Easy on the attention-whoring!
A list of crimes:
Lace
Extensions
Sheer
Shiny
Ill-fitting
Stilettos
Makeup
Orange skin
Red lipstick
Eyebrows
*many of these are fine on their own. All together, not so much…
X-rated outfit is not a surprise, but
Topping it off with that coat is an
Insult to black ostriches.
Not to nitpick, but
Aren’t those garter clips supposed to attach to something?
HOT MESS
Hooker couture is already
Overdone by
Taylor Momsen
My eyes!
Everything is
Stuffed
Sausage
First genies in bottles, then drrrty chaps, and now this mess.
Using drag makeup to launch the Gay Walk of Fame may seem inspired, but
Perhaps you should consider a stylist.
And maybe go up a size?
Ostentatious wardrobe,
Hair bleached within an inch of its life–
Have you done something to anger your stylist?
Or is Spanx is paying you handsomely to forgo pants?
Nobody wears underwear-as-outerwear quite as
Expertly as you do, after all, and
You make sure everyone knows it.
Now that you’ve made your point, however, perhaps you’d be
Obliged to put those things away and look into pants.
Xtina’s new show on NBC, “The Voice” is really about…
T- The
H- Hideous
E- Evening-wear
V- Vanities
O- Of
I- Ill-fitting
C- Chubbette Celeb(?)
E- Entertainers (?)
Her tatas out, and thighs a’ gartered,
Our heroine stood proudly, plumage fluttering–
Truly, this was her finest moment.
“Tawdry”, her foes had called her;
“Resign yourself to not being a size 4 anymore” they implored.
A lawsuit was brought by former burlesque queens,
Nailing her to the wall for copy-right infringement
Nevertheless, as she downed her 14th shot, she knew:
You can never go wrong with Goth Mae West.
Maybe later she’d find another clump of platinum in the drain–
Everyone knows that’s the price one pays for beauty.
Someday, they’d recognize her genius, they’d see that
Star is spelled d-i-r-r-t-y.
Methinks her
Ugly coat is made of
Puppet fur
Perhaps from an
Emo Elmo doll.
Tears in the eyes of Mr.
Louboutin.
Iridescent
Nether-region panel? Check.
Garter clips to nowhere? Check.
Everywhere you look is
Really, truly awful and furthermore
It appears she forgot her Spanx. Conclusion?
Eye bleach, please.
O Holy Night!
Xtina!
You Lost Me (you really did)
My Woman is Gone (where did you go?)
Oh Mother! (Are you-)
Running out of Time (going-)
On and on (but unable to escape-)
Next Big Thing (?)
This is entirely too tight,
As I can see the rolls in your midsection.
Christina, you looked so great when you released Back to Basics. We all
Know you’re better than this, so please but an end to it!
YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS!
Maybe it’s too much.
All eyes are on me,
Even if I do look desperate.
While no one can deny my voice,
Everyone can argue my personal
Style leaves much to be desired.
Trollop is not haute couture.
I sometimes wonder if I am
Maligning my career with my
Poor personal choices.
Excessive drinking and crashing
Renner’s birthday party does not
Solidify a future for me.
On the other hand, I have a
New TV show coming. Tune in,
America! You never know when my
Ta-tas may free themselves from this
Outlandishly tight underwear, boosting
Ratings through wardrobe malfunctions!
GAY WALK OF FAME
Gosh, Xtina – your outfit is so…
Appropriate for the occasion?
You do look exactly like a drag queen,
Which is a group to be celebrated
At this particular event.
Love your overstuffed girdle which is
Kind of a throwback, right?
Or did you just suffer one of those silly brain
Freezes, where all the important drinking and partying causes you to
Forget to put your dress on?
A lot of us have been there, dear, so
Might as well make the most of it and
Entertain Fug Nation while you’re at it!
Holy hell woman!
Our eyes can’t
Take this any longer!
Me thinks you might have a problem,
Enough with the shtick already.
Send yourself away for a while, and
Save yourself please!
(Take 2: revised, just in case the other version was disqualified for the lines being too long!)
Her tatas out, and thighs a’ gartered,
Our heroine stood proudly, plumage fluttering–
Truly, this was her finest moment.
“Tawdry”, her foes had called her;
“Resign yourself to not being a size 4” they cried.
A lawsuit by former burlesque queens,
Nailed her to the wall for copy-right infringement
Nevertheless, by the 14th vodka shot, she knew:
You can never go wrong with Goth Mae West.
Maybe she had to re-dye her hair each morning-
Everyone knows that’s the price of beauty.
Someday, they’d recognize her genius & see
Star is spelled d-i-r-r-t-y.
CHRISTINA
Child please!
Honey NO!
Really, the fur-trim robe has got to go.
Is it necessary to put your chest in such a squeeze?
Sometimes your tatas deserve to breathe.
Too bad you debuted this ensemble for the “Gay Walk of Fame”
It would have been better suited for the “Drunk Walk of Shame”
Now my eyes are burning and my innocence is marred,
All because of your failed attempt at avant-garde.
Xtremely
Tacky…
In
No way
Attractive!
Legs are out.
And ze garders? Zey
Do nothing!
Yet, there they are.
Pants
Are
Really
Tedious,
Seriously.
Sublime in lace and marabou,
Heavenly, her hair.
If only we all could attain this
Elusive, elusive
Level of
Desperation.
T – Tiny tight trashy
O – ostentatious clothing is X-tina’s modus
O – operandi.
T -trust me honey even
I – I think that even the
G- gays are probably
H- horrified by this.
T- try again
suspenders! still dirrty
and
unstoppable in red lipstick and lace, i got trouble with this genie in a bottle.
sweet mouseketeer, you
appear to be carrying too many potatoes in your black swan sack.
go up a size when your
eyelashes are larger than your underoos.
come on over, baby! channel
ali in burlesque, the
small town girl with the heart of gold. (i loved you
in that movie.) also, your
nails are beautiful, no matter what they say. viva
glam (and cam gigandet).
Stomach-slimming
Panties need to be in her closet.
Are her girlfriends mad at her? Did
No one tell you that you look desperately tragic,
Xtina?
Bodacious though one might think, an
Unparalleled voice for the pink,
Might I suggest, a
Pornography test,
So your vah jay jay don’t wink.
Maybe this was too much, but
I just want to show you, Dear World, the
Reflection of who I am inside.
Revealing my heart of
Ostrich feathers, fishnets and
Rubber-plated girdles.
Must we pretend to be
Into pants and outerwear?
Really? I find the idea
Ridiculous.
Only those hiding behind a mask wear pants. For
Reasons unknown to me.
Going out on the town,
Always my favorite pastime.
Yes sir…
Well what should I wear?
A simple mini dress?
Little black dress?
Knee highs w/ garters?
Or a combination of them all!
Fabulous!
Sexy!
Hollywood glam!
Alluring!
Me!!
Everyone knows that this is just a cry for help, right?
DOUBLE D’S
Daily I’ll strive to keep pushing them higher,
Onward and up, to my chin they aspire
Undaunted by attention to my one buckled thigh
Be buoyant, my girls, and hold yourself high!
Let go gentlemen, I think I’ll walk fine,
Eyes must behold my pleathered vagine!
Decked out in my feathers, I couldn’t be prouder,
Singing is loud, but fug is much louder.
Oh honey, no.
Everything you wear
Reminds me of stripper gear
Tatas on display
Hair so blonde that it’s starting to look gray
Even Hugh Hefner would refuse your
Red lips and cheap looking shoes
A lady never wears lingerie on public display nor
Massacres poodles to market the world’s ugliest jacket for a whore
Please just stop trying so hard to impress us all, Burlesque is over—and, well…
America knows you’d really rather be drinking alcohol
Really, Xtina, America just didn’t need another bad reality show
To introduce our innocent children to Hollywood’s addictive glow—
Simply put: save your time and energy prepping for Cher’s next music video
U- Underneath all that slap
P- Plead two long-suffering bosoms
A- And all lower extremities
S- Screaming for release from the constriction of man-made spandex.
I- Impossible to breathe: pores, diaphragm, and intestines
Z- Zealously await the return home, upon which they can finally
E- Expel gas.
Boobs,
Intimate
Objects?
Never!
Insists
Christina.
O’ER THE RAMPARTS
Oh honey, no.
Everything you wear
Reminds me of stripper gear
Tatas on display
Hair so blonde that it’s starting to look gray
Even Hugh Hefner would refuse your
Red lips and cheap looking shoes
A lady never wears lingerie on public display nor
Massacres poodles to market the world’s ugliest jacket for a whore
Please just stop trying so hard to impress us all, Burlesque is over—and, well…
America knows you’d really rather be drinking alcohol
Really, Xtina, America just didn’t need another bad reality show
To introduce our innocent children to Hollywood’s addictive glow—
Simply put: save your time and energy prepping for Cher’s next music video
Please, girl!
It looks like you are the spokesmodel for
Negligees R’ Us.
Underwear is not outerwear.
Put the boobs back under wraps.
X-rated clothes
Too tight to breathe
In undergarments as outerwear
No worries boys
Aguilera’s on the town
Hopelessly
Endangered by tasteless time machine
Loop, can anyone
Push the exit button
?!
Girl,
Undergarments are not
Meant to be worn under
Bird -inspired, sheer dressing gowns.
As I
Look at this, I ponder: where does one even purchase such a….
Lovely… robe?
Surely not from Lady Marmalade. Perhaps the Candy Man
?
Damn gurl, you look Dirrrrty!
Is Max still being breastfed?
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi (ce soir)?
Another entry for Fug Madness 2012!
Lady Christina has gone and lost her mind
In case of emergency, pull on the garter belt
Christina post divorce = Snooki
Instead of Burlesque, the porn adaptation will be Boobsesque
Over 10 collies were skinned to make that sheer jacket
Understatement is so last year
So many gays, so little time!
Xtina,
Tanorexic,
Imbibing way too much.
Nightie
As outerwear.
Girdles,
Implants, maybe?
Red
Lips.
Please
Look in the mirror!
Ease off the makeup
As your natural
Self is lovely &
Entertaining.
Pants, What?
Prithee, Xtina,
Are you incapable of wearing adequate amounts of clothing?
NO.
Torture.
Sylph that you are,
Why should you tease the masses with your scantily clad nether regions?
Hope against hope that one day you will wear something normal.
As for now, we must
Tell the world our plea: PANTS, WHAT?
M ethinks the cannonballs
E rected on your
L ady chest reminds
O ne of Dita Von Teese in times of desperation. This does
N ot rub me the right way.
S mooches!
Yes, Christina.
You are beautiful no matter what they say..
*sigh*
I’m sorry. Can’t beat that one…
Dear Christina,
Where did you get that skirt? I f**kin’ love it! With the fishnet and stuff. You look f**kin’ awesome gal!! Oh, and here is the link to my real Facebook page. We can be friend. Love to hang out with you soon.
xoxo
Taylor Momsen
Coffins
Hate
Riding
In
Shiny
Textiles,
Increasing
Hoochie
Agendas.
Also,
Great
Underfoot
Icing!
Loubs
Eliminate
Raunchiness…
Almost
Erica Kane
Everyone wept the day it was announced, the end of an era.
Reality tv, damn you!
Inevitable as it was,
Courage will be needed.
Although, should we dress like our great fallen idol?
Kabuti makeup aside, is this a fitting tribute?
Are there some looks that only work in Pine Valley?
Needing Adam Chandler and soft lighting to make sense.
Everything must come to an end. Let it go Christina, let it go.
I love Christina. I’m a huge fan of her voice and her music. I just feel like shes had a hard time lately. So I present: An Open Letter to Christina.
G – irrrrl
E – exposed underwear?
N – ot at all what this girl wants.
I – dont get it.
E – xactly what were you going for?
I – dont care you had sex for breakfast.
N – or should your reflection show it.
A – voice within should have been louder.
B – ecause you’re beautiful
O – n the underside of all that paint.
T – hus, you need a makeover
T – o tell you the truth, maybe a make under.
L – ook, you don’t have to try so hard.
E – veryone loves you for you.
Breasts squeezed in tight,
Overflowing and
Out of control.
Busting out!
Spanx be damned.
Really Xtina, we need to have some words.
Every time I see you, I wonder if you looked in a mirror before you left the house. I doubt it.
Please listen to a few helpful tips and bits of advice.
Underwear goes on the inside, sweetie. Surely your mother told you this.
Girl, your dress looks like a girdle. Just say no to outerwear support garments.
No, really. I cannot say this enough. Underwear on the inside.
And while we’re on the topic, you should lower those puppies. Let yourself breath a little.
No matter what you were told, the feather robe doesn’t class this up.
That person should be fired. You are not actually a 40 year old whore for hire.
Moulin Monroe
More weight but less clothing,
Oh how I miss my Dirrrrty days.
Upside is, my satin crotch protector
Looks perfect with these feathered drapes.
I don’t know how to use the garters,
Needed a hand to force the zipper over
My expanded curves, but at least, teetering
On my Louboutins after one too many, I see
No more leather chaps for me. Fishnets are
Really classier for a mom. Get a good grip
On my fake-tanned hand while we walk.
Eat your heart out, Momsen.
This just in:
Dame Aguilera
Injects
Zaftig
Zing to
Yesterdays launch. The
Shellacked
Trollop purpotedly
Regrets
Unintentional
Mishandling of
Proper-dress
Ettiquette.
Titillating!
D- Dearest Christina,
r- Right now all I can see
a- Are your
g- ginormous fake boobs.
q- Queer Walk of Fame
u- Understands your their favorite hag,
e- Even though you’ve gotte pudgy,
e- Even though they like boys,
n- Never wear that in public again!
Gaga had her egg, but for me
Ostrich feathers are the key
Upping the ante just a bit
Peignoirs worn in public are the sh..
As to my “endowments”, some might say
Squeezing them into this is not okay
I admit, while it’s hard to breathe
Zero’s not a size I’ll leave
Even if I faint or heave!
Maribou and fishnets
Mamarries galore
Maybe a wig too?
Bra top
And your bottom half is
Crammed into fishnets
Oh Xtina
No.
Come
On now Xtina!
No need
To jump on
Every
New
Trend.
So uncomfortably tight!
Underwear as outerwear is
Not a good look
Darling!
Every woman should know that.
Rest our fears,
Promise you will
Refrain from squeezing your
Every curve into
Sausage casing on The Voice.
Save your yourself!
Undergarments are meant to
Reinforce and
Enhance. Not Asphyxiate!
Tina,
Attention-whoring
Your
Lingerie as
Outerwear
Reminds
Me
Of a
Molester-baiting
Someone
Else,
N’est pas
?
D- Dear JEBUS! I exclaimed over my morning cereal,
E-Egads! I screeched while spilling coffee on my lap,
V-Verily, Xtina has eaten the Wonder Twins!
I-I can’t lie, they’re like a car accident,
L-Legitimately I can’t look away.
S-Shame spiral… for her and for me.
T-Time to talk, Xtina,
W-we need to sit you down and TRUTH TOUCH
I-In no way is it ok for you to be wearing
N-next-to-nothing when you’re bosom buddies are
S-STARING ME DOWN like Satan’s bounty.
Once upon an innocent time,
Her hair was real and her skin wasn’t orange,
Long since have those days passed us by,
Only the voice remains unchanged.
Ready or not, this doesn’t seem to be just a phase,
Desperate bordello is her new diiirrtty,
You guys, I really want to put this genie back in the bottle.
When you don’t have a dress to wear
Open your closet and
Re-appropriate your underwear
Dita Von Teese approves
So should you!
Christina is ready for her
Arrival in a
Nipped and
Tight
Black
Rayon
Industrial strength
No Nonsense
Garter holder!
You too can own this item if you
Order now!
Under no Circumstances
Do we
Offer
Witchy marabou trimmed robes to bring this look from
Night to nightmarish.
Bodice about to
Implode,
Tragic, with it’s
Cheap lace, oh wait
Hello, found my coat made of Vegan Rageddy Ann’s hair
Paltry, are the expletives,
Loquacious though I may be
Eh, what’s the use
All she needs is time away from the
Spotlights
Even Louboutins won’t woo the gays now
Help poor Christina
Aguilera, her
Make-up person made her
Head and face
Orange, but she flubbed the
Color of her legs. She should have
Kept away from that weird
Shade of gray.
GENIE IN A BUSTIER
Generous bosom,
Emerging in the
Night like two
Inconvenient reminders of
Erstwhile taste.
Indelible red lips and
Noxious fumes of bleach permeating the sphere in which you stand.
Achtung! We see you crying out for it!
Baleful is that waist-cincher to your figure;
Ultimately all you’ll have to show for it are
Squashed internal organs and a
Tired set of lungs about to give up on you.
If only you remembered your age!
Eager to forgo your career and begin tribute shows in Vegas,
Racing toward lounge lady fame in prom-at-the-brothel heels.
GENIE BE GONE
Generations of impressionable youths
Embraced your dirrrty philosophy that
Nothing screams STRONG LADY like mere
Inches of fabric fashioned like censorship bars
Encircling one’s naughtiest bits.
But then came the inevitable fall as
Ever more creative nudity surpassed your chapless pants.
Get back in your bottle
Oh please, Christina Dear, for
Not even the campiest gays can save your
Embattled fame now that Gaga’s hit the scene.
Hold my hand, will you?
Oh baby, it’s hard to walk in these heels.
This skirt is so tight I think I’m losing circulation in my legs.
Maybe I should’ve gone up a size?
Even I can’t wear a zero anymore.
Steady now, don’t want to pop a stitch.
Suck it in and work it out.
Bravo!
It takes a brave woman indeed
To pull off such a look.
Champagne may have been a bad idea,
Have you spilled some in your lap?
Playtex’s new line of evening wear
Leaves us all gasping with…
Excitement? Sure, ok.
At least we can’t see your underwear.
Shit. Nevermind.
Elegance is overrated.
Look here, missy,
At this piece of fug!
Do is it really occur to you that
You are no Cher?
Maybe a new life strategy is
At play.
Really, though, will
Momsen garters
And Demi bike shorts
Launch your
Ailing career?
Do yourself a favor:
Emulate someone else.
Ooops! Line three should read “Does it” instead of “Do is it.”
OMG! Wootini wins it with “BAZOOMS”!
Assets
Although a coffin on the crotch
Says a lot about a girl
Step back and
Embrace the agreement of bosom,
Thigh, and
Sheerness of sleeve
Bionic-lady: The
Obvious
Overdisplay of
Boobery and leginess
Simultaneously is my turf.
Let’s not
Even talk talk about the rest (two words:
Goth Capades). But
Seriously,
Leave the double-sided cleavage to the professionals.
Yours in Christ, Boobs Legsly.
My, but I’ve gotten more mature
At least I can still sing
Eating is more interesting
When you are newly divorced
Endings can be beneficial
So much so
That I felt like walking outside in my underwear
S uccessful singer who
P arties furiously and
R ather
A ll the time;
Y ou need
T o be careful that your
A ccoutrements are
N ot flammable.
So, less pin-up than pop-
Up. Or pop-OUT, I should say.
But! Let it not be said
That big bird’s evil cousin died in vain.
Lo, even now, his noble, inky plumage,
Enlivens the tasteful, pop art ensemble.
Fug Nation: A tribute. Not to Christina, but to Sassy Gay Friend:
W – What, what, WHAT are you doing?
H – Have you lost your mind AND your pants?
O – Oh my God. PUT THOSE AWAY.
R – Really? TWO handlers, Baby Jane??
E – Extina! LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES!
R – Red’s a good color on you; and
I – I love the shoes! But you have to
F – FIRE YOUR STYLIST.
F – Forget about the platinum. Old old OLD.
I – It’s a new world of pants and possibilities,
C – Christina. You *crazy bitch*. <3
Babe
Until you’re a drag queen for
Reals
Let’s not pretend there’s
Enough
Spanx in the world to
Qualify this outfit as anything but
Unquestionably
Execrable.
X-tra large fur vest?
Teeny tiny underwear-dress thingy?
Ill fitting wig?
Negligee shoes?
All a working-girl needs!
So…
I want to feel like a
Ginormous milk-filled cow encased in
High tensile strength shrinkwrap
And though pretty dresses abound I
Nevertheless stuff my 110 pounds of shitbrickhouse into
Dress up clothes discarded by Taylor Momsen
Except sluttier and more
XXX
Pantigirdles are the last refuge of the constrictophile
Only the cessation of breath can be called a
Downside. Hold me upright boys as asphyxia takes old, and take care
Elastic topped garters can fly when stretched to the limit and they’ll take out an eye.
Xanax, please, I shouted aloud,
This outfit would make a hooker proud
In the midst of my panic attack, I swore
Never again to wear lingerie of black
Alas, Xtina gets more flack.
That lost its shape so minor retool —
So…
I want to feel like a
Ginormous milk-filled cow encased in
High tensile strength shrinkwrap
And though pretty dresses abound I
Nevertheless stuff 110 lbs of shitbrickhouse into
Dress up clothes discarded by Taylor Momsen
Except sluttier and more
XXX
Pantigirdles are the
Last refuge of the constrictophile
Only breath cessation can be called a
Downside. Hold me boys! Asphyxia!
Elastic garters can blow. Careful, they’ll take out an eye.
Running around town acting all diiiirrrty
Obviously this negligee should fit more purty
Louboutins make her still feel skinny
Looks like she’s gonna get compared to Crazy Britney
Stop the press when she’s doing weight loss with Jenny!
Xtina, open your lash-extensions and
try to come to terms with the
ice-age of oblivion that is
nearing, a momsen per minute.
Cut your losses, you’ll always be our
T-Rex of trash.
BETWIXED
Bedroom wear for an event, why not?
Extra-process the hair to reflect the flashbulbs!
Too-short skirt to distract from my sadly tanned hands.
Wondering if anyone will take me seriously after the Burlesque trainwreck…..
Impossible, these queens worship
X-tina, I’m their wanna-be-Drag Queen Princess. These’s bitches LOVE me.
Even Lohan can’t top me now, it’s my time to shine.
Dammit, bitch is back in court. Pay attention to me, pleeeeeeeease!
Perhaps she thought
A skin tight
Nighty would do the
Trick, but
Sadly
We still noticed
Her lack of pants or
An actual dress. But the
Tata’s, we could see.
Boudoir shock, not chic. This is
Underwear that would embarrass
Mae West. OH, CHRISTINA. You’re just
Perverting a Fag Hag Walk of Shame. It’s
Easter for Peeps’ sake and some things only your Lady
Doctor should peep at.
Tell me your shopping secrets, XTina
Revlon radiant red lips burning bright and backlit by 2 inch of foundation?
Accessories from Fredericks of Hollywood?
Not able to spend more money?
Notice that West Hollywood treats you like a Queen.
You are relished for the gay icon you represent.
My outfit? Too tight, too much?
I don’t understand the concept.
Red lips. Check.
Each strand bleached and curled. Check.
Fur-lined robe. Check.
Lace for my lady lumps. Check.
Everyone knows that this is
Just the epitome
Of fabulous!
Ode to Christina Aguilera:
How could you let yourself go like this?
Hotness, gone.
Once you were the queen of sexiness,
Not simply a drag queen.
Everyone cringes at your drunken escapades;
You need to get yourself together, girl!
Not to mention . . .
Orange skin is never “in.”
Is shitbrickhouse a compliment?
S ome things haven’t been the same
E ver since irrelevance came.
X ylophones cannot express
T he depth and breadth of my distress.
E ven despite the vintage bit,
T eenagers aren’t having it.
T ill my poor career returns, my
E ars from only peroxide burn.
What
Happened?
A
Teen-
Age
Genie
In a bottle
Remodeled as a
Dusky
Lady Marmalade of the
Evening
Wearing
A whole outfit is beautiful
No matter what
They
Say
Ugly bras and black girdles do
Not an outfit make. Not even when
Draped with a flimsy negligee.
Evidently, your stylist needs a clue.
Reject the girdle!
Wear a nice dress. And while you’re at it,
Eliminate
About half your makeup.
Result – Fab instead of Fug.
(Here’s one that is less snooty, but meaner…)
M eet and greet my thunderdomes!
A nd my plutonium blonde tresses!
E r, sorry, I meant palladium. I need a cocktail.
W hen is Andre Leon Talley getting here??
E ven I can’t produce ALL the camp for a Hollywood event.
S heer fabric, lace, and feathers: like tequila, lemon and salt!
T ell me though, my lashes are too small, right?
SKIRTLE
S – Someone please tell me, you do
K – know that what you’re wearing
I – is actually not outerwear
R – really, in fact
T – the garment on the
L – lower part of your body should not be
E – exposed – like so much of you.
Please
Understand
This
Extraordinary
Mammaries
Always
Win.
And
Yet…
Her
Oath
To all:
They’re
Real
And they’re
Spectacular,
Honey
(Yeah, right)
Mae West’s
Estate
Says
Shut up
Ms.
Aguilera,
Even though you are launch the Gay
Walk of fame, it is
Entirely inappropriate to
Slander such an iconic gay figure
Touting a urine stain-inspired dress
@Simone,
I bow to your awesomeness. <3
Darlings, I look fantastic!
Right out of an old Hollywood film, yes?
Everyone’s admiring my cleavage (maybe looking for Hoffa?),
Suntan and flowing blonde locks (what self-tanner? what extensions?) and yet
Still, I feel like I’ve forgotten something important. . . .
Grrrrrrlllll, what were you thinkin’
Underwear that’s got me blinkin’
Really, have you got so desperate
Didn’t think to wear the dress, it
Looks like Tramp has killed the Lady
Explaining why she just looks shady
Crazy-
Ass
Neglige?
Sounds about right.
!
D ear dear Christina
R esplendent is your underwear
A cquire some class before stepping out again
G o. Now.
Gunning for the lead
In Burlesque, she threw herself headfirst into the
Role of a lifetime; she
Did not anticipate the
Lingering urge to dress the part of an
Exotic dancer
Cringing from all the burlesque
Have a mint julep kid
Extina, I had you high on the Fug Madness brackets
Run for the roses dude, KY. Derby is around the corner.
Darlings, look! It’s X-stina!
Revealing every contour of her body
An act of desperation, some might say
Great Scott! others will exclaim
Questions must be asked:
Use of mirrors may not be allowed at Casa Cristina?
Evil stylists may be plotting against the diva?
Even worse, could this be the dirrty girl’s own doing?
Nevertheless, we can never question the size of Miss A’s fun bags.
Fashion lessons from Christina:
Undergarments belong under
Garments.
Laboutins can’t save
You from looking cheap.
X-rated she came to the party.
To show us that she is still tarty.
In feathers and straps,
Not forgoing baps,
Addendum: this truly ain’t arty.
(Tried to limerick it but clearly failed. Well ’twas fun!)
God,
I
Remember
Dragging on such a
Latex horror in my youth.
Emancipation
Finally came.
And now, no reminders wanted, please.
Insist on clothes, Christina.
Let us forget.
D ear Xtina,
I see that you’re trying to take us back to the “Dirrty” days. This is wrong – let me count the ways:
R olls, boobs, drag queen make up, lack of pants, feathered dressing gown…oh honey, no.
R eally: don’t do this.
T HIS. DON’T DO IT.
Y ou require a serious fashion genie in a bottle. Stat.
Bewitching Christina emerges from her lair
Obviously dressed like a cross between Madonna and Morticia, and
Owing her hair color (and maybe that feather-trimmed monstrosity) to Mae West.
But apparently she doesn’t care (or is too drunk to realize)
That the merry widow girding her loins
Actually squeezes her like an accordion
Cutting off her blood supply to everywhere except her lips,
Uplifting her inflated chest to the heavens, and
Lowering her chin.
Are we to believe that she looks good?
Realistically, the answer is no; the girls look squished AND lopsided.
Don’t be jealous
Only a few can pull these off
What did you expect
Now that I’m single the
World is my brothel
Actually, I meant
Raunchy strip tease
Do’h
Sorry
Perhaps I’m a little
In disarray
Really can you blame me
After a breakup and a fall
Looking like this is to be expected
C-hristina, dear
H-ow are you today?
E-xcuse me for being
R-ude, but . . . .
W-HAT are you wearing?
A-bustier?
N-egligee?
N-o matter. It doesn’t fit
A-t all
B-ut worse – did you know — You are out in public!?
E-W!
Christina looks like she
Really wants to be
A whacked out, campy, pin-up,
Yellow haired version of
Courtney Love wannabe Taylor Momsen.
Really love Megan McCafferty
And I think when you choose the winner, you should think of me and say
You, yes you (HA! A Jessica Darling reference!)
Ginormously ill-fitting
Evening wear–
No, Xtina, this
Isn’t the boudoir.
Everyone is watching
In shock as your
Nunga-nungas o’erflow
Atop your glorified
Bondage outfit.
Oh, I know you’re sad
That “Burlesque” is over, but the
Truth is that even Madonna in her
“Like A Virgin” days wouldn’t be caught dead in that
Eyesore.
Yep -
Out and about in
Underwear.
And
It’s
Not only
That
My eyes are
Outraged. But
No-one at this Big Gay Event
Rolled their eyes and gave an
Oh Honey No? Oh wait…
Everyone did?
W-oah there Heidi!
H-ow about an
E-yeful (Earful, if you can find a tighter corset) of a
R-eally quite
E-xpensive looking
S-et of knockers, surrounded by plumage reminiscent of the Black Swan
S-ure, you may
P-retend to not to be her, but it’s not
E-asy to hide from those, they make us
N-ostalgic of Hills reruns…Too bad they can’t be toned down to
C-’s for Christina. Instead, they look more like tacky
E-clairs, with hideous leather and lace coating.
R-ight, now I have a craving for French pastries. Onwards to the bakery!
Bustiers of the world, Unite!
Over-flowing, you bear the burden of the
Operationally enhanced.
Burlesque “fashion” has become a form of abuse!
Stuffed, stretched, seams straining…
And yet the garter belt is spared,
Holding up nothing! The
Only solace to offer this Bursting Bustier: At least
You’re not the Dirrty chaps.
Boobs, galore!
Understandably, I will go for a subtle look, but
Red lipstick will make sure my look does not go unnoticed.
Legs on display because
Even though I am in my thirties, Boobs Legsley should not have all the fun.
Stoles are coming back this season
Quite stylish when fur is paired with sheer sleeves and lingerie!
Unless you don’t appreciate
Embroidered coffin crotch coverings.
Maybe, when
Out from
Under that
Layer of caterpillar
There will be,
Inside, a
New
Gypsy moth?
Oh no! Mine was supposed to be ‘Fupa,’ but editing made it FUFPA. Whoops.
M- Mercy me, Christina
E – Everyone
L – loves some good cleavage now and again
O – only some things should
N- never be forced upon innocent passersby
S – Seriously.
Goodness, Christina!
Our eyes can’t miss it;
Underwear, that is.
Please, and I’ll only ask once:
Anytime you want to wear your panties,
Sexy as they may be,
In plain sight:
Zany may be what you’re going for but
Even Lil Kim would go up a size.
Hey, whats that you say?
Over the top?
Too much?
Momsen-esque for Moms I say!
Everyone should dress like this!
Shouldn’t they?
Sh**t. Its not like I’ll remember it tomorrow anyway.
Could
Have
Remembered
I’m
Supposed
To be
In
Negligee
At home
“Dirrty”
Drag queens would tell you to tone it down.
In one ear and out the other, this one.
Really, Christina? Can’t you wipe a little of that slap off your face?
Really, again, Christina? You’re NOT Marilyn Monroe, honey.
“The Voice” really looks terrible. Is Adam Levine as creepy in person?
You used to sing at some point, didn’t you?
Corsets are supposed to flatter your figure
How did you manage to get ahold of Grandma Aguilera’s special occasion lingerie?
Edible garters are the only thing this outfit is missing
Riiiight, you’re in public
AA you are not (we get it)
As a flat-chested girl, I can
appreciate wanted to flaunt those girls.
You look great, minus the
outfit and make-up.
Underneath that crazy,
a pretty blond girl
resides. Perhaps an
extreme make-over is in order.
Not that extreme, actually.
Only make up remover, facial
toner, and clothes to go over the underwear outfit.
AA you are not (corrected)
As a flat-chested girl, I can
appreciate wanting to flaunt those girls.
You look great, minus the
outfit and make-up.
Underneath that crazy,
a pretty blond girl
resides. Perhaps an
extreme make-over is in order.
Not that extreme, actually.
Only make up remover, facial
toner, and clothes to go over the underwear.
Tina, if I may,
How could you think the gays would approve?
I, for one, am appalled at your attempt at what can only be compared to
Something one would see on the madame of a brothel.
Alas, you show up to a B-list event
In a drag queen’s outfit, no less, most likely worn for a rousing rendition of
“Not Myself Tonight.”
To tell you the truth, I hope to God you aren’t.
Because if this is the new Christina,
Unctuous, unflattering, and ultimately unsightly,
Rest assured, your fan base, gay or straight, will disappear faster than those
Louboutins you obviously got on clearance at the outlet mall, sugar.
Everyone is scared for you, Chrissy.
Stop this insanity.
Quit while you’re sorely behind.
Unless you want to end up looking like Catherine Zeta in “Chicago.” But
Even she pulled that look off with a little class, dignity, and respect.
S – Sashaying, her fug at the top of its game,
C – Cher’s her apparent flashed a beggarly way
A – Along WeHo’s new Gay Walk of Fame.
M – Many “friends of Dorothy” were blinded that day.
P – Paparazzi, eyes ablaze and shutters aflame,
C – Captured her corset, V-patched with black suede,
A – Ably evoking ‘Tina’s “Dirty” crotchtacular shame.
M – Men, once trending straight whenever they’d play,
P – Plotted now a queer path without further delay.
V – Vast tits bloated her mold-mottled bra, clearly untamed
A – As a mangy faux fur invoked back hair draped as a cape.
M – Musty fishnets grounded a look that staked ‘Tina’s claim:
P – Proud to be Cher’s protégé, less gay, and more lame.
LIZA WANTS HER COAT
Lady, I don’t see the point to cover your cheeks
I know girdles aren’t classy, not pretty, not chic
Zaftig or not it’s there to make you look thin
And you’ve hoisted your breasts up to your chin
Why, it’s tawdry and trashy and how do I say
And feathers won’t make you a bird of prey
Now don’t be mistaken, you’ve a beautiful voice
Too bad you can’t be trusted to make the right choice
So Christina, Xtina, just put on some clothes
Honey, your faux vintage “glamour” is too on-the-nose
Each of us know more than we should of your mammaries
Really you’re a few headdresses short of Cher, if you please
Could be that you think this is a fitting homage
Oh, caterers have less than this much fromage
And if only if only I could turn back time
Then you’d put on a dress with some reason and rhyme.
Hallelujah for
Aguilera is back to play Liza Minelli’s feathery
Protege
Poledancing goddaughter in
Yesterday’s smalltown
Cabaret-themed Cher-fan
Assembly of which the town
Mayor had to close down for
Pensioners were rolling on the floors, their
Eyes
Rolling by the beautiful fug that we all
Scream at now. Amen.
Can’t decide what to wear.
Hoping no one will notice it’s lingerie.
Even the “coat” is from Fredericks.
Really? I think I’m pulling it off!
Clueless
Hottie
Really
Insists
She
Totally
Is
Nice
And
‘Sweet
but all I can see is…
Beauty
Overwhelmed
Ostentatiously
By
Sexuality
X – I don’t need an X-RAY VISION to know what’s going on inside that super tight
dress-internal bleeding.
T – If you don’t mind, TAYLOR MOMSEN would like to have her gartier skirt and fishnet
back. She want to go for a walk, thank you.
I – Like I said just now, INTERNAL BLEEDING.
N – All the gays there scream NO NO NO. In pain.
A – APOCALYPSE seems more inviting than this.
Skivvies do not an outfit make.
Though you get an A for effort.
Underwear go under there.
Find a shirt.
Find some pants.
Everyone agrees, this is
Dirrty (in a bad way).
X-tina you must understand
Thought pants were exceedingly bland
‘I know!’ exclaimed she
‘No clothing for me!
All I need is my boobs and fake tan’
“Facetious”
Matronly by most standards!
Old fashioned, even.
Darling, you must learn to loosen up.
Even proper ladies will lose the pantyhose now and again, and
Surely you didn’t need that prudish robe.
Though, overall, tastefully done, dear!
Oh, Xtina.
Your showing your garter to the world again.
-pause for long-suffering (and very culturally appropriate) sigh-
Vampire-prostitute is so 2008.
Even the Twilight fans are getting tired.
Your life doesn’t have to be styled by Playboy, you know.
Bitch please,
Remember my meltdown?
I married K-Fed and shaved my head.
Trainwrecks are my thing.
Now put on some clothes and take off that makeup!
Even TayMom thinks you’ve gone to far.
Y’all better recognize!
Call me middle class, but I just
Have to point out that it’s
Really unnecessary to wear your underwear
In the place of outerwear.
So there’s no confusion, I would
Take this position even if
It were just
Nice white underwear like a Dove ad
And not all black lace, fishnet and rubber.
And furthermore, I remind you that
Gentlemen,
Unmanly or not, often prefer
It if you
Leave a little bit to the imagination.
Engineers being the exception, as
Really good cantilevers are hard to
Achieve.
Mother of god,
At what point did this ‘brothel madam’
Eyesore seem like a
Winning look?
Eventually your gays will
Simply give up,
Throw their hands in the air, and say,
“Just forget it!
Robin Sparkles dressed better than this!”
Busting at the Seams
Before I tell you
(Unless you’ve already heard)
Some clothes actually come in more
Than one size!
I know—it sounds absurd!
Not that I feel you shouldn’t
Go around town looking like
A Frederick’s of Hollywood mannequin
That magically springs to life when spray
Tan is applied.
However, I can’t help but
Encourage you to
Seek some outside help.
Even if you’re paying a stylist
A lot of dough to make you look flashy,
Maybe a drag queen—for free!—could teach you to dress with
Some do-it-yourself trashy.
[Repost to correct a typo]
SCAMP CAMP VAMP
(with a nod to Cher’s “She was a VAMP”)
S – Sashaying, her fug at the top of its game,
C – Cher’s heir apparent flashed a beggarly way
A – Along WeHo’s new Gay Walk of Fame.
M – Many “friends of Dorothy” were blinded that day.
P – Paparazzi, eyes ablaze and shutters aflame,
C – Captured her corset, V-patched with black suede,
A – Ably evoking Tina’s “Dirrty” crotchtacular shame.
M – Men, once trending straight whenever they’d play,
P – Plotted now a queer path without further delay.
V – Vast tits bloating her mold-mottled bra were clearly untamed
A – As a mangy faux fur invoked back hair draped as a cape.
M – Musty fishnets grounded the look that staked ‘Tina’s claim:
P – Proud to be Cher’s protégé, less fab, and more lame.
Original, I am.
Leather chaps? I reinvented those.
Dirrty: Can’t imagine spelling it without two ‘r’s, can you? YOU’RE WELCOME.
This outfit is over the top? Please, this is my gym attire.
I know you say too much bleach, but I say MORE.
My love for gays isn’t a gimmick *cough*KatyPerry*cough*
Eveyone used to hate me for being too slutty, now I try too hard.
Read my lips: Lady Gaga, who?
Stop pretending I wasn’t awesome in Burlesque.
The media rags on me nonstop.
Interestingly, I haven’t been to rehab..YET.
Lol- remember when I was tame with a husband and kids? Me either.
Languish in the TMZ stories of me passed out drunk, instead.
Genie in a bottle… you forgot about that till just now, didn’t ya?
Oh, if you think I will ever use a pretty pink lipstick..you’ve got another thing coming sister.
The Voice will be a hit…it MUST!
Intense singing. No one does it like me.
The Disney starlets will come and ago, Xtina is foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
BOOBTASTIC:
Bewitching Christina emerges from her lair
Obviously dressed like a cross between Madonna and Morticia, and
Owing her hair color (and maybe that feather-trimmed monstrosity) to Mae West.
But apparently she doesn’t care (or is too drunk to realize)
That the merry widow girding her loins
Actually squeezes her like an accordion.
She must think that
Tatas like hers (and most every other Hollywood vixen) are
Irresistible and must be on display at all times.
Certainly most sane and sighted people believe otherwise.
Taking over Cher’s reign?
Hardly.
Egregious mistakes in clothing, can do.
Violate all fug rules, yep.
Orange hands hold the future of faceless wannabes.
I will become the newest J.Lo., you’ll see.
Cher who?
Excited about who I can send home for botching the National Anthem.
Ekkk!
Assless pants put away?
Stripper clothes in the back of the closet.
Tomfoolery clothes to the front.
Extra special black lace boobtackcular bustier
Rules for the night, my wonderful admiring friends.
Bring out the girls,
underwear and curls:
Retro can save a career!
Little she can do,
even black marabou
seems dated and a bit
queer.
(Unless she thinks it’s
elegant like minks.)
For Christina needs a hit,
Leather and lace are not it!
Oh, she’s made a pretty
Poor choice. Go back to your voice!
So you don’t have to worry about fit.
Hair, of white.
Orange, of skin and
Nigh explosive bosom.
Endeavous to make an impresson. While
Yonder lurks a
Needy man, wondering how much he should
Offer for a night with her.
What
These old things?
Free with my Ru Paul stars as Marylin Monroe costume
One size fits all
My ass
Good thing the rest of me is so understated
The skin all healthy glow
Artificially flavored like Sunkist
The wardrobe a perfect fit
As subtle as a madame should be
Shoes festooned with bows, why?
Girl blessed with natural beauty
Eventually turns herself into a Barbie.
Not the
Innocent sort
Every girl’s favorite toy, but
Instead a fetish Frankenstein.
Nakedness is not sexy enough, she decides.
All exposed, seeking glory, she makes her
Breasts a stilted trophy
On a platter of black lace.
Thoroughly bleached hair,
The brazen lips echo
Lurid dreams of vampires.
Exposed this way provocative,
No longer a woman mysterious.
Out of the bottle, but
Liquored up on fame.
Out on the town, in 5-inch heels
No longer a Disney sweetheart, but a
Gaga competitor.
Eager to become a mutant sex toy,
Reluctant to expose her insecurities.
Lady Marmalade, indeed.
Or a costume from Burlesque?
Orange skin doesn’t suit you. You look like
Kraft Dinner.
I miss when you looked more human
Not like a creature from the planet Xtina.
Tragic. Your only hope is a genie’s magic.
Or join the cast of Teen Mom to you look sane and less orange by comparison.
Please
Agree
Not
To
Show us everything for free.
Oh dear.
Dearest Xtina, I fear that your gown
Is molting all over Los Angeles Town
Really, after the tragedy that was Burlesque
Returning to that type of style was grotesque
The only condolence I think you can glean:
You can always double as your own drag queen.
…this sounded a lot better in my head.
Washed Up
What the fuck?
Are you drunk?
Seriously! Are you drunk?
Have you looked in the mirror?
Everyone thinks you are on drugs!
Do us a favor and STOP!
Unflattering hooker clothes are beneath you.
Please STOP!
Let’e reflect for a minute.
Oh, I get it.
Underwear as outerwear?
Boobs all over the place?
Ogled by men and women alike?
Ugh.
Think, woman.
It was only ten years ago that you were still ‘normal.’
Nice shoes, though.
Skank.
Oh shit. I totally thought the
Man on the phone said
Gay Walk of Shame.
The crotch makes it look like she peed.
Her make-up makes her look like a clown.
Even Louboutins look cheap on her!
Very talented girl,
Only you’d never be able to tell.
Is that a fur-lined robe?
Colby, Alexis, appreciates the try.
Except this isn’t Dynasty, honey, not even close.
Blonde with red lipstick on
Underwear has already gone
Less is always more for her
Least she could do was wear more fur
She seems happy despite the stress
Her body is going to burst out of her dress
It is indeed truly amazing
That people are allowed to walk outside in such a thing
Xtina, the Queen of
Racy
Attire featuring
Tatas looking
Edibly
Delicious
Out of all the bad decisions she has made thus far
Running into a vat of burnt apricot paint
And proceeding to roll through a pile crow feathers while
Never bothering to change out of last night’s fishnets and corset
Gives us complete authority to declare this outfit
Excruciating, as if Xtina herself is pouring acid in our eyes
Girlfriend,
Enormous
Ta-tas plus
Net hose
Equal angels
Weeping. Next time,
Give it
A rest.
You’ll thank us
Someday.
Xtina is working big
thighs and fishnets. What of it?
I
think she looks
almost statuesque.
Oops, please excuse my problems with HTML in my previous post!!!
Christina, I
Applaud keeping the
Nipples covered, but
The truth is
Hard to take sometimes. It’s true that
Old
Lady
Divas are
Underrated, but
Strutting publicly in
Doilies, fur,
Or fishnets
Won’t
Negate the problems with your Poise pad.
Ugh, honey no!
Push-up bra not needed.
Oh, and you don’t
Need a garter belt for waist-high pantyhose.
Everyone can tell you forgot.
Seriously, we liked it better when you were Monroe-ing it up.
I’m hoping you’ll get a seven-year itch to go back to that look soon.
Zing!
End the trampy streak, please.
Dearest Christina,
Everyone would like a word.
See, you’re beautiful and skilled,
Perhaps you need not try so hard.
Every layer of makeup makes you look a decade older,
Really, we fear you’ve left good sense behind for good.
Although pop stars are increasingly cracked out, you need not be
Talent is your trump card.
Embrace it. And pants. Definitely look into pants.
Bionic
Burlesque
Is only a movie
Outfits
Normally
Include
Clothes
Bionic
Burlesque
Is only a movie
Outfits
Normally
Include
Clothes
sorry for the double post, had a typo in my e-mail
WTFUG
Winch at Gay Walk of Fame
Teese is not here, so I’m bursting on the scene
Fug girls, I will not disappoint
Uggh, I should have removed one thing before I left the building
Garters, yeah, do you dudes have any scissors?
Slutty is not necessarily sexy, young lady.
People will get the wrong idea!
Are you prepared for that kind of attention?
No self-respecting woman would wear that out in public.
Xtina, you are grounded.