Fug Madness 2011: Final Four, Game Two

(1) LADY GAGA vs. (6) MISCHA BARTON

This matchup really encapsulates the battle of two different fugs — and yet I contend they’re not actually that different after all. Yes, Mischa probably thinks she looks good in all her clothes, without an accompanying statement. But just because Lady Gaga barfs up a lofty reason for all her attention-whoring — namely, that it’s art — it doesn’t mean she doesn’t also think she looks really awesome. In fact, I’d venture that she for sure thinks she is rocking our world. To me, the bottom line is, fug is fug is fug, whether you’re wearing it because you think it’s art or because you think it’s artful. But that’s just my opinion, and I always enjoy when our readers duke out their points of view in the comments. This should be a brisk debate. Bring it, Fug Nation. Certainly these two deserve whatever you sling at them about their outfits.

I think one big reason Gaga ultimately downed Nicki Minaj is how damn dour she is. Nicki’s cheerful craziness elevates some of her hideous clothes into something I can feel affection for, whereas Gaga just seems like she’s having a miserable time.

And who can blame her? She’s in Milan, spending all her time dressed as a dominatrix bride. I’m sure that’s not fun to do, nor to be around — I mean, would you want to hang out with this person? It’s like, “Oh, great, Gaga has to use the bathroom. We’re not getting out of here for another half-hour AND she’s going to need me to buckle her panties.”

I’m not sure I’d want to hang out with this, either:

You’d end up being the friend who has to police her boob tape and cut her out of the sequined neck casing if she gets too sweaty.

Here, you’re the friend who has to check her train for her wallet, and hold up the veil if she needs to blow her nose.

Or the friend who has to rub ointment on her thighs when the plastic chafes, and swear to her that, yes, you totally looked like a giant masked condom, and not at ALL like the Flying Nun.

Maybe you’d be the friend who has to puree all her meals so she can eat them through a straw.

Or tell her, “Hey, um, Gaga? You might want to tug up your undies.”

Or, “Ow, GOD, Gaga, can you sit somewhere else? You keep poking me with your shoulders, asshead.”

Or you could get stuck as the friend who mops up the meat juice from any surface she grazes, and has to spray her with human Fabreze so that she doesn’t start to smell like a rotting corpse. Meat Juice Wiper looks awesome on a resume.

So does Seat Disinfector.

However, it might be worth it for those times when she finally takes a header in the middle of an airport and you can be like, “Oh, wow, gee, sorry I couldn’t help you — I was too busy fluffing your train.”

Or you might relish the chance to say, “Oh, no, you TOTALLY don’t look like the cruise director of a Love Boat for Carol Channing enthusiasts.” I fear that’s what I might do. I would be the opposite of a Get A Grip friend — in fact, a Loosen Your Grip friend.

I’m beginning to think THOSE friends are the only kind Mischa Barton has, if any. How else to explain that she was allowed to wear this?

Friends don’t let friends wear dresses that make you look like a flight attendant for Bra Airlines.

Friends don’t let friends wear a dress that’s so scaly it needs its own moisturizer.

Friends don’t usually let friends wear hip ruffles that look like a dissected denim scrunchie, unless said friends were really drunk.

Friends might consider letting friends wear this, with different hair, and a buzzing device with which they could shock her every time she needs to straighten up or risk those feathers laying two eggs. But friends definitely do not let friends do this:

In fact, friends, if pressed, steal those from your bedroom, burn them, and then plead ignorance.

Those shenanigans might explain why her theoretical friends would let her get away with this. Honey, it’s polo, not Roaring Twenties night at your grandmother’s nursing home.

Friends definitely do not let friends confuse Christmas tree skirts with human skirts.

Friends really should NOT let friends drop acid in Claire’s Accessories.

And friends only allow THIS to happen if what Mischa has walked in on, which has taken her by such surprise, is a fashion intervention. So you see, I am genuinely concerned that while Gaga has only unhappy friends, Mischa has none. Maybe her agents should stop trying to get her work and start trying to get her Tim Gunn.

Need more evidence against either of them? Check the Lady Gaga and Mischa Barton archives. And then get jiggy with it.