Fug Madness 2012, Round One: Bjork Bracket, Part I

Note: The photos used are just representative samples, not the only evidence to consider; surf around and then vote your gut.

(2) LADY GAGA vs. (15) JESSICA SZOHR

Several people incorrectly thought Jessica Szohr was someone we randomly threw into the bracket without caring. That is how I feel about her wardrobe: random, without care, sometimes thrown.

I mean, that is terrible. You don’t even need to see the front, because the back of this silky shorts romper gives her ass quadrants. And remember her upholstered jumpsuit? Girlfriend earned the heck out of her seeding with that alone, even though there is so much more.

Can she stack up against this?

Okay, okay, I know, that is insane. She’s like a prison warden in a world where tissue-paper roses mate with satellite dishes. But really, sometimes, Lady Gaga and Jessica Szohr aren’t that far apart. Consider: Gaga likes see-through stuff. (And how.) But so does Szohr.

Gaga often likes things that don’t fit and/or look ridiculous in the chosen proportions:

So does Szohr:

And how, part II. These sleeves were almost as potent as the coffee she was shilling.

Gaga displays a lack of interest in sensible accessorizing:

So does Szohr:

Honey, your clogs aren’t strippers, so they don’t need tassels.

Obviously there is much more: Szohr had a dumpy sack and a dumpy tie-dyed sack; Gaga had all your typical Gagaian gags, including the loathed Jo Calderone Incident. Tour through the archives and see if the surprisingly strong Szohr can overthrow the predictably heinous Lady. Which, by the way, I’ve decided is what I’m calling her from now on, as if it’s her real first name. Because when Bobby Hill had gout, he painted a face on his wrapped big toe and named her Madame, and I’ve decided that’s Lady Gaga’s ancestry. Like how Voldemort lived in Professor Quirrell’s turban for a while. You feel me.

(3) JUSTIN BIEBER vs. (14) STELLA MCCARTNEY

Sadly, Stella isn’t eligible for the fug crimes she’s committed against other people via her designs. That’s on them. You choose to zip it up and leave the house, you get the blame. But Stella sinned against herself plenty of times, by her own hand. It cannot be overstated how ugly this is. WHY DID YOU MAKE THAT AND THEN WHY DID YOU PUT IT ON YOURSELF? Shouldn’t the benefit of being a designer be that you can save all the really good stuff for yourself? Victoria Beckham almost always busts out something awesome from her own line. Of course, the problem may be that there IS no “best stuff” in Stella’s lines, which in and of itself ought to prompt self-examination and/or a hiatus. Because her Met Gala mullet was a cold pint of messitude.

These pants are bastions of unflattering depressitude.

And this, bows and tulle and all, is an exercise in shapeless fussitude.

And yet, this is shapeFUL, and it doesn’t work either. Volume can be fun on the runway, but unless she sewed a cushion into the back and was planning to sit right down on the concrete and eat through a footlong sandwich, it’s not really practical. Or flattering. If she DOES sit down anywhere, she’ll need dress fluffers just to get back up again without a giant rump dent.

Speaking of rumps… HA, no, I am not talking about Bieber’s rump. I would never do that to you. I will, however, be discussing him giving you his precious flower. And his snake:

The rest of his outfit wasn’t much better. And remember the uniform of a new gang called the T-Pinks? (Or the Lady Birds?) Or that wedding he attended with Selena Gomez, knowing he’d be pap bait, in pants that were making a run for the border? Or his Garanimals? He is just such a cartoon already. Dude can’t even wear a tux without looking like Victor/Victoria.

Of these three people, Bieber — the one smiling the least — ironically has got to be the only one actually happy about being there.  Come on. There’s no way A-Dubs was riding over in the car squealing, “Oooh, I hope he wears the glasses!”

(6) LINDSAY LOHAN vs. (11) CEE LO GREEN

I have been giggling to myself about Cee Lo vs. LiLo ever since the randomizer spat it out at me. I want that to be a reality show, wherein each week they compete at something different. This week, on Cee Lo vs. LiLo: Wii Tennis. Or Filing A Bunch of Paperwork While Wearing Spiked Gloves. Or wrestling each other American Gladiators-style in one of Cee Lo’s signature sequined snuggies, before donning LiLo’s favorite hideous culottes and re-enacting scenes from Mean Girls with special guest star Lacey Chabert and the guy who played Glen Coco, just so he can score four points at something and we can say, “Four for Glen Coco! YOU GO, GLEN COCO.”

Or they could have a fur-off, in which Cee Lo dons this, and LiLo trots out this:

Cee-Lo:

LiLo:

Cee Lo:

LiLo:

And LiLo, and LiLo, and oh, God, LiLo.

And, in one of the greatest things that has ever happened, Cee Lo:

That is going to be the best episode of Cee Lo vs. LiLo of the entire season. Perhaps even the finale.

(7) RASHIDA JONES vs. (10) MADONNA

Look, it’s going to take a lot to beat a woman who wears a cape and red lace gloves, and in a way that does NOT scream “I AM SO AVANT GARDE, PLEASE LOVE ME,” a la Gaga, but rather which suggests she just thinks she looks bangin’.

Indeed, this photo of Rashida Jones suggests entirely the opposite:

It’s like, “Yeah, I know. This blows. It’s frumpy. It looks terrible on me. Even my hair is upset. Let’s just take the photo so I can go home and write some Downton fanfic.”

This person IS fan-fic:

Not necessarily the man who is garroting his genitals (well, him too), but rather the gladiatrix behind him. Seriously, that entire halftime show felt (in an incredibly entertaining way) like something out of somebody’s post-fever dream manuscript: “And THEN Madonna comes out on a throne, right, with a giant pointy headdress, and there will be some kind of cartwheel, and some cheerleaders, and finally a toga sing-off.”

This person does not tolerate toga sing-offs.

I mean, Rashida Jones might — for all I know, she is the president of the American Society of Toga Sing-Offs and hosts a luncheon each year that serves only Caesar Salad. But that outfit looks AWFUL on her. You are WASTING all that genetic material, kid. LOOK AT YOU. And then look at those clothes. Even with all the sequins, you look like you have a fun allergy, and I suspect in real life that is not true at all. Nobody who gets to work on my cherished Parks and Rec could possibly be. (I have deemed it thus. Fingers in ears. LA LA LA.)

Anyway, so yes, Madonna mangles her assets at times, but at least she looked good at the Met Ball. Rashida pulled this out and then didn’t pull it off. The question is whether Madonna at her height, or even at her attempts at looking classy that ended up putting her mammaries in a compactor, overshadows drab. It may. It may not. You are the beholder, Fug Nation. So behold – here is Rashida’s page (remember that first floral outfit is NOT eligible), and here is Madonna’s — and then vote.